Chronicles of an Ex-Ex-Gay

Ex-Gay Expose in Denver!

2008-11-24T02:47:00.014-06:00

A couple weeks back, I flew to Denver to join a group of Ex-Gay survivors, allies, and LGBT activists to protest the NARTH (National Association for the Research and Therapy of Homosexuals) Conference. I told several of my friends here at school and home that I was going, and the vast majority were shocked that such a conference existed. "Why do they think you can TREAT homosexuality?" most asked...followed by the inevitable "How do you treat a gay person...what does that even mean?!?" These are all people who know my story, or at least enough of it to know that LGBT people do occassionally seek 'treatment' or 'healing' of their same-sex attractions/gender identity/sexual orientation(I don't think I could be much more PC there...that will end shortly...so be advised!)

While outside the hotel in Denver, CO where NARTH was holding it's conference, I stood with several friends including Peterson Toscano and Christine Bakke of www.beyondexgay.com, Daniel Gonzales, and many other local activists. It was sooo nice to see such a big crowd! We actually ran out of signs for people to hold, so many of us were chalking it up on the side walk...getting our personal messages out to conference attendees.
Most attendees were mental health professionals...who apparently disregard the American Psychological Association's decision in 1973 to take Homosexuality off the list of mental illnesses and proactively advocate the acceptance of ones' 'gay identity' for the sake of their mental health.

The conference was wonderful. I find that educating people and sharing my story and experiences is quite possibly the best therapy for myself...I guess it's a bit selfish of me in a way, but oh well...gotta take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else, right?

I plan on posting some more conference related stuff soon, including a story about my plane ride back from the conference! Sneak Peak: I sat next to a NARTH Conference Attendee!!! Stay tuned for the forth coming drama that is the 2 hour plane conversation with a conversion therapist! View the rest of the Ex Gay Expose photos at: http://www.flickr.com/photos/exgaysurvivordan/sets/72157608799767125/

The Truth...

2008-11-24T02:37:00.002-06:00

Well, the truth is that I suck at keeping up with a blog. It's a paradox, really. I find blogging fun and relaxing...but weeks(months in this case) can go by without me realizing I have not blogged. If I turned this into a political blog, I'm sure it would be easier for me to keep up on, as I tend to read politicalwire.com about 5 times a day(conservative estimate, sadly.)

The last few days I have contemplated firing up the blog again, and I got a sort of confirmation...apparently people actually read my blog. I had a few people who posted comments to my blog posts of old. It was really sweet to hear from strangers who appreciate the candidness of this blog. It's hard writing about your life for strangers to read, though, several of these 'strangers' have become dear friends and what I consider to be family. It's unbelievable and reassuring in a way. I have no promises about how long my blogging will continue, or if it will...but I want to thank those people who have helped me over the last 3 years find who I am and those who have encouraged me along my journey of self-discovery...a journey that apparently never ends!

Walkin' in Memphis...again

2008-03-10T23:09:00.005-05:00

So, for the first time in over two years, I stepped foot on Memphis soil. The reason for going this time was QUITE different than the first time. Instead of a quest for the Holy Grail that is straightness...this time my trek was about letting my side of the story be told....about sharing truth with others, with hopes of them finding some peace about their sexuality and faith.
The weekend was amazing. Ryan went with me...and was excited and anxious about it. It was hard to be so vulnerable in front of strangers and cameras but even more so in front of someone you love so much. It was hard but so great, too. Partners, spouses, and lovers of ex-gay survivors are to be commended. All too often, I find myself focusing on my past, my healing process, etc...all the while, forgetting that someone else...this great man trying to be in EVERY part of my life...is going through a lot trying to understand. He was blessed to have an affirming church at home and some great friends to help him grow, so he was not even familiar with the ex-gay movement before he met me. I commend him for being so great and amazing...and owe a lot to him.
Anywho...not what this blog post was intended for.
The gathering in Memphis was powerful. From meeting other survivors, seeing old friends, and being a powerful witness to so many by standing in front of Central Church holding affirming signs, letting people know that, "You can't change a Zebra's Stripes." (Thank you Peterson's dad for such a simple and profound quote!)
I was able to share my story in a press conference and with some newly found friends. As I said in the conference, I didn't go to Memphis to have my 15 minutes of fame...I went to share my story and to help educate others. After all...Someone once told me that, "Knowledge is Power."

Thank you Peterson, Christine, the folks at the Memphis Gay and Lesbian Community Center, and everyone else who made the Gathering so awesome. BTW...The art, Peterson's new play alone were totally worth the drive!!!

Thank you Wendi...and the Commercial Appeal

2008-02-17T12:32:00.008-06:00

In this Sunday's edition of the Memphis Commercial Appeal, Wendi Thomas, who interviewed me a couple of weeks ago, wrote a article, that is not only controversial, but touching. It has been 2.5 years since I attended Love in Action, and it is great to know that since then, a movement for education on the myths and lies of the Ex-Gay movement are starting in full swing. The story published is at the following link:

http://www.commercialappeal.com/news/2008/feb/17/formerly-gay-survivors-go-forth----still-gay-and/

I expect that there will be many people who will not be please with this article...those who are stuck in the rut of religion rather than spirituality...those who see a black and white world, but I welcome a dialogue that is healthy and constructive. I look forward to seeing other survivors in Memphis this coming weekend. I encourage anyone who reads this article who is curious or wants more information from a loving, affirming group of people to attend. Where as my views may not completely match everyone who reads this artice or my blog, I respect those who want to believe in the ex-gay movement, especially LGBT people. For me, if I would not have attended LIA, I would not have made the self-discoveries that have led me to my happiness and self-acceptance today.
Please remember in reading my blog and other ex-gay survivors blogs, that we are making ourselves very vulnerable. I just hope everyone, regardless or ideology can be civil and accepting of different vantage points.
Thanks for reading, and thank you Wendi for a well written, honest, and touching article.

There's No Place Like Home...

2008-02-16T12:31:00.006-06:00

While watching a fun movie, I got thinking about the Wizard of Oz, and how it seems to be a good depiction of my journey. Picture it...A young Christian child from Missouri(Bordering Kansas...FYI) growing up in a conservative home in a small, black and white town. Everything he was ever taught about love was "one day, you'll find the perfect girl for you" and the only thing he ever heard about sex is "wait until you are married...it will be more special when on your wedding night with the perfect woman." The ideology is meet, date, fall in love, get married with a big wedding, mom cries, dad is proud, 2.5 children, lovely house, and happy everafter.
Well, in comes the tornado of realizing my attractions, thoughts, and feelings and in the whirlwind of confusion and experimenting I end up being picked up from the black and white world I knew and landed in this entirely new place.
I was in the young gay man's "Oz." Uncharted, frightening territory where I was all alone. But the difference is, this Dorothy didn't have a scarecrow to give advice, a tin man to remind me I was loved, or a lion to show me how to be brave. Well after a relationship and my first year of college, I started to find my scarecrow, tin man, and lion...friends who helped me be me and realize that it's ok.
Well, then comes the forces of black and white, convincing me that my "Oz" was fun and might feel ok, but that it was wrong, and that I need to come home. They said there was no place like home, and that's the only place God wanted me. Enter Love in Action. Slowly and continually those vibrant colors of "Oz" were fading, and I was entering into the Black and White world...the color of the Bible's text, of course. I was told the yellow bricks and emerald castles were just illusions of happiness, and that only true contentment and joy came from letting the hues of certain aspects of myself go. They took my ruby slippers(and any "False Image" with the brand name Calvin Klein or Abercrombie) away, all while telling me it was for my own good.
After 6 months of this black and white mentality and being kept in the darkness, I had to take the courage I discovered through my lion. This led me back to Missouri where my tin men were...those friends who loved me and wanted me to be happy. They were willing to do whatever it took to help.
The hardest part was putting the Ruby Slippers back on and finding my way back home, to my "Oz." Sadly, I couldn't click my heels three times, but rather I had to use them to trek through fear, pain, hurt, and the unknown. I realized that everyone I have encountered in my life wanted to be my scarecrow in one way or another...giving me their opinion on what was best for me. Finally, after months into my trek, I realized that I have to be my own scarecrow. I have to find what is best for me and choose my own path, but I also take great pride in knowing that when the wicked forces of the world try to set me on fire, my ever-supportive friends will be there to help me quell the flames.
I am happy that I have found my own "Oz" and realize that it is so much larger and more wonderful than I could have even dreamed. Truly, there is No Place Like Home!

Unexpected, Pleasant Surprise

2008-02-10T12:53:00.000-06:00

When I moved to Iowa to work on the campaign, I left a lot behind: my job, family, friends, etc. Well, I met some great people. Co-workers, volunteers and many more. However, the pleasant surprise is my current boyfriend, Ryan.
When you work 12-15 hour work days, 7 days a week, you don't have much time, if any, for a personal life, but somehow we made it work. I talked to him a little bit before I arrived in Iowa, and quickly went on a date. I had NO intentions for a relationship...was kind of hoping for a campaign fling(anyone who has worked on a campaign knows about the Campaign Fling: you both know it is temporary, so you just have fun, go on dates, etc.) Well, the first time I met him and talked with him, I knew immediately he was different than any guy I had ever met.
Since then, Ryan has turned out to be the most romantic guy I have ever met. Being a huge lover of Romantic Comedies, I have these almost 'illusions' about what the perfect guy and relationship would be like. Well, it's fair to say our relationship is NOT like the movies...It's better. Why? Because it is so real and genuine. Having not really been in a serious relationship where the love is mutual(or present at all) since 2005, I was starting to think I was damaged goods. Having gone through Love in Action and heard so many times that gays cannot have a healthy, significant realtionships, I have been very discouraged. In reading one of Peterson's blog entries, I recently realized that I still have a lot of the ex-gay, anti-gay myths in my head. He was talking about Emotional Dependency, and how the ex-gay movement portrays ALL gay relationships as harmful, emotionally dependent relationships. Someone made the analogy tapes that play repeatedly in our heads. We hear over and over about how: 1.) Gay is wrong and a sin; 2.)Gay relationships are just superficial and only about sex; 3.) Gay men cannot be faithful. Well, after years of people feeding into these myths and lies, people, myself included, have to do a lot of work to rebuild a positive self-image and start to realize that, "Hey, I am a good person and I deserve to have a real relationship with someone who loves me."
I am very excited to be holding a roundtable at the Deconstructing the Ex-Gay Myth— A Weekend of Action & Art in Memphis, TN. This is also going to be a regional gathering for ex-gay survivors. The roundtable is geared to young adults and the effects the ex-gay movement has on our lives, including but not limited to: psychological, emotional, financial, etc. Below you will see the agenda. I would love to see a great turn out.

* Friday 2/22 Noon: Press Conference at MGLCC to provide a community statement about the Love Won Out Conference. Local LGBT leaders and those with experience about LWO and the ex-gay movement can speak. (892 S. Cooper

*Friday 2/22 noon - Sunday 2/24 6:00 PM The Ex-Gay Survivor Art Show at the Memphis Gay and Lesbian Community Center MGLCC (892 S. Cooper) The show is hosted by the MGLCC & Beyond Ex-Gay and curated by Christine Bakke.

* Friday 2/22 8:00 PM Doin' Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House--How I Survived The Ex-Gay Movement, at First Congregational Church (1000 S. Cooper)

* Saturday 2/23 7:00 AM - 10:00 AM Welcome Station at Central Church (Love Won Out) Action showcasing a positive message of hope and unconditional love through positive signs, narratives & statements to the community. (2005 Winchester Blvd, Collierville, TN)

* Saturday 2/23 2:00-5:00 PM Beyond Ex-Gay Mid-South Regional Gathering, MGLCC (892 S. Cooper)

* Saturday 2/23 8:00 PM Preview of the Morgan Fox's film This is What Love in Action Looks Like at First Congregational Church (1000 S. Cooper)

* Sunday 2/24 10:00 AM Art, Activism and Spirit a presentation by Peterson Toscano at the Memphis Friends Meeting (917 S. Cooper)

* Sunday 2/24 2:00-6:00 Memphis Gay & Lesbian Community Center's 5th Anniversary Party at 892 Cooper 19 Years in Memphis, 5 Years in Cooper Young!

* Sunday 2/24 7:00 PM Memphis premiere of Transfigurations--Transgressing Gender in the Bible, at Holy Trinity Community Church (685 S Highland Street)

Also, Peterson created a great, informative sight: http://www.beyondexgay.com/events

Ask Hillary 2

2008-01-26T17:50:00.001-06:00

This is a really interesting video that comes from Hillary Clinton's website, where a young voter asked her about the high suicide rate and depression among gay teenagers. She took on the question and really put her foot down on where she stands on GLBT issues. The video is about 6 minutes...and the question is a few minutes into it.

Finally able to Blog!!!

2008-01-26T16:58:00.000-06:00

Obviously it has been a while since my last post, and there is a decent explaination as to why. I ended up moving from St. Louis to Iowa to work on a Presidential Campaign. Blogs are strongly discouraged while employed by a candidate for President...especially when it is someone like me who tends to speak rather candidly.

To say the least it was a BIG move for me. I was very comfortable in my job and life there, but I knew I wasn't following my passion. I am a political nerd...not just because it's fun or exciting, but because I believe being involved in the process is the only way to bring about real change. This may come as a shocker, but I am NOT pleased with the current administration and the scary direction it is leading us.

I have posted previously that I am a supporter of Hillary Clinton. I believe with all my heart that she is the candidate that can best deliver the changes we need, whether it be the economy, Iraq, healthcare, etc. I believe the other two candidates are notable candidates as well with their own strenghts; however, there are some issues that I believe Hillary has addressed that the others ignore.

Something that Sen. Obama did that really showed me he didn't understand the importance of recognizing the ignorance that is the ex-gay ministry really opened my eyes. As we all remember, Barack was doing a evangelical swing with misisters, preachers, etc. It was brought to his attention quickly that one of the ministers was a "successful" product of the ex-gay movement. Well...Obama decided to keep him on and bring on a gay preacher to balance it out. Fair enough, right??? Not at all. When you look at the GLBT community, most all of the advocacy for advancement and equality comes from the Democratic Party. By keeping a vocal supporter by your side who believes that gays are choosing this and spreading lies about the possibility of change is a kick in the face to a demographic that overwhelmingly supports the Democratic Party. With that said, I realize there are gay republicans...whether or not it is an oxymoron, it is the truth. Anywho...we all know what the ex-gay movement believes: 1.) Homosexuality is a sin 2.) You don't HAVE to be gay, if you don't want to...you just have to work for it 3.) If it doesn't work and you are still gay, it is your fault.

Well, I found myself a bit upset by this. Knowing the pain I went through, I really wish the Candidates would all speak on this issue, as it is a very big issue.

Oh, Canada!

2007-09-26T20:11:00.000-05:00

I just recently visited my friend Ken, whom I met at the Ex-Gay Survivors conference in Irvine a couple months ago. I traveled to Toronto, my second 'birth place.' to visit Ken and see the Gorgeous city one again.
Last summer, as I believe I have written about before, I attended Pride Toronto. It was a life altering experience for me. I found myself feeling more liberated and free than ever before in my life. This, being just months after my escape from the ex-gay entrappment, I was able to rediscover who I am....as a person, as a young man, as a gay man.
My trip back was full of excitement and wonder. To start, I flew to Buffalo, NY, and was able to visit Niagra Falls. The cabbie and I had an amazing political conversation...as he was a New York Democrat. I got a really cool take on my Lady, Hillary! He also told me that I could walk across the Canadian/American Border. Being the adventurer I am, I jumped on the opportunity.
The Horseshoe Falls and mist that rose above were gorgeous! I felt so free just walking across a bridge into a foreign country. However, the cabbie said that once I crossed it would be about a 3 block trip to the bus station. Well...Make that 3 miles! Well, let's just say it built character.
Ken greeted me at a Starbucks behind the bus station. It was so good to see a familiar face that was so welcoming. Toronto was already as wonderful as I had remembered it!

More to come soon on the Trek to Canada...

...Call for action!!!

2007-09-22T21:55:00.001-05:00

After watching the video Ex Gay Watch posted about the Republican Mayor of San Diego changing his views on gay marriage, and signing a resolution to have the city attorney file suit against the state, I was just in awe. This is why I love politics. One person can make such a huge impact, just by leading with their heart.
I find myself wanting to do something, to make a change, to fight for social justice, just as Mayor Sanders did, in such a majorly brave way. But, I am just one...what can I do? Well, thankfully, I am not the kind of person who actually believes that...at least when it comes to politics and government.
I believe that Gandhi said it best that we must be that change that we want to see in the world(paraphrased.) Whereas the GLBT community has many vocal advocates and leaders, still a vast number of members sit back silently, while being opressed. I believe that we must follow the lead of people, like Mayor Sanders, who take unpopular stands, say unpopular things, and make unpopular decisions. This is where we come in.
I am the world's worst at following through with a lot of things, but I strongly encourage you to take action along with me by doing the following.

1. Write Mayor Jerry Sanders and email thanking him for his courage and conviction. you know that he will have a lot of critical letters from members of his own party. his email is JerrySanders@sandiego.gov. This took me about 5 minutes to type a very heartfelt letter of appreciation and praise!

2. Write a letter to the mayor of your city and members of your city council strongly encouraging them to follow the lead of Mayor Sanders and the San Diego city council. I will be sending mine to Mayor Francis Slay of St. Louis hopefully Monday.

These actions will literally take a total of 20-30 minutes. That is such a tiny bit of time that can impact and effect such great change. Thanks for reading.

San Diego Mayor Supports Gay Marriage

2007-09-22T21:49:00.001-05:00

Thanks to Ex Gay Watch for posting this video. Absolutely amazing...it brought me to tears!

Roadmap of the Heart

2007-09-17T21:36:00.000-05:00

When do you follow your heart?
When it is convenient?
When it goes along with the plans and expectations that family, friends, or even you have put on yourself?

Or is it just New Age Jargon? I mean…obviously the heart it just an organ made up muscle and tissue that circulates blood throughout the body. Why do we, as a society, as a world even, put so much emphasis on this figurative and almost mythical “entity.”

As skeptical and jaded as that may sound, I don’t subscribe to that belief. Believe me, I wish at times I did; however, I see the heart as a much bigger thing than just an organ. To me it represents my soul, my passion, my dreams and aspirations.

Right now, I am at a bit of a crossroads in my life. I see a few paths that I could take, and I see the path that I am currently on, steadfastly. The path I am on now provides me with security. I have family close, a good job that pays well, and for the most part I am self sufficient. And I am content…which is where I find myself a bit alarmed. I know I am happy about many things in my life, and I see that I am very fortunate; however, this current path I am on is not the one that I believe, in my heart, that I should be on. For example, I am currently making more money in my current job that I probably would my first few years out of college with my Political Science degree…as, my passion is to help people and work for change. Most of the jobs I am interested in are not the greatest paying jobs in the world…but they offer so much more than money can offer. To me, that is a feeling of not only knowing your purpose, but achieving it as well.

I want to go back to school. Honestly, I am scared too. My first year of school, I did well. Excellent grades, happy, etc. However, I have made a couple less than successful attempts to getting back in the swing of the academic world after LIA. I hate to blame it on anything other than myself, but I know that my depression has stopped me from achieving many goals and being successful in the academic world, thus far. There have been weeks that I can barely make it to class because of illness. Times where I cannot get out of bed. And my grades reflected it, as well as my withdraw from school.

I know that I have to do something with my life, as I am not happy with the status quo. It is not rewarding to me, and I am not following my heart. Enters the question: What the hell do I do?

Part of me wants to start fresh; however, I think that it may look like running away. I have also learned that happiness is created, it is not just a given when you move somewhere new. Another part of me is so scared to make a huge mistake, bite off more than I can chew, or even worse, fail. I know that failure is not the worst thing in the world. It is an opportunity to learn from the choices that led to the lack of success, and make changes; however, it still scares me to death.

Another huge issue for me right now is that I just got a promotion at work. Honestly, a promotion that I did not want. I feel as if I was very pressured into taking it. I am so worried about stepping down from a manager position to an Assistant Manager or even lower for a few reasons: 1.) The pay cut would be large; 2.) I would let down those who entrusted me with such a large responsibility (really…they are letting a 21 year old manage a multi-million dollar store!) 3.) I see that as letting everyone else see that I couldn’t cut it. I believe these are legitimate fears; however, I also know that I shouldn’t let what others think dominate my life.

So, right now, I have decided I have to listen to my heart….yes that mass of muscle that pumps blood to all regions of my body. I guess that the heart is what keeps us living and going…one day at a time. So why is it ridiculous to want to follow your ‘heart,’ that is made of your soul, passion, and essence your life…you know, the life that the organ heart sustains day after day. I guess it isn’t ridiculous to follow your heart…now we just need to find a Roadmap of the Heart.

Sending out an S.O.S!!!

2007-09-16T21:00:00.000-05:00

I know many of you who read my blog, thus I know that many of you can relate to the feeling of being alone, rejected, damaged, or even "fucked up." To all readers with virgin ears, I appologize for the use of the F-Bomb; however, in a very recent conversation with my mother(oh, five minutes ago) that was a term she used for me and my life. I am a pretty strong person; however, my family knows exactly what buttons to push to send me spiraling down into a very dark place, regarless that I know the truth about myself to be otherwise.
The conversation began with a conversation I had with both my mother and father today, at different times, about feeling like I am in a rut. I feel as if, like my last post stated, I am not living up to my full potential and not doing what I want to with my life. I have had intentions since leaving Love In Action to get back in school full time and continue pursuing my education in the field where my passion lies. Thinking my parents would be happy that I am looking to better myself and follow my heart, they instead chastised me. It started, like clockwork, with the "I told you so..." speal. First about moving to St. Louis, then about buying my car, then about school, etc. From the conversations, I realized that life would have been SOOO much better off had I just listened to my parents...according to them, everything I did against their will is what has caused my life to be "fucked up" and for me to be in the sticky situation I am in.
Please keep in mind that I only called to gauge their opinion about possibly stepping down from my management position, cutting back in some areas(not as nice of a car, cable, etc.) in order to live more simply, so that I could get back in school and work toward doing what I love.
I should have known better...silly me! Talk about opening the flood gates. To sum up the last conversation with my mother, that resulted in her hanging up on me(although I sooo wanted to hang up on her first!) picture this: (This is a very abridged version of her side of the conversation) "I told you, you fucked up your opportunity, you won't ever listen to anyone, you need to be on your meds(which, for the most part I am, btw) you won't tell your doctor what's wrong with you(meaning the conditions SHE has diagnosed me with...along with the meds I need for it), and I don't know WHAT you are up to, but I know you are doing something that I do not approve of(insinuating something to do with the whole 'gay' thing)
My response may not have been the most mature; however, I maintained a civil tone and shared how she was making me feel(which she replied bullshit...my bad, why was I thinking that I COULD have feelings in a conversation that she had already turned around and made about her!) I said, replying to the whole "Something that I do NOT approve of" remark that maybe I should go watch a few SNL Church Lady clips to find out EXACTLY what it is that she didn't approve of again...since I must have misplaced my list(Cue phone being slammed on her end!)

I guess I just really needed to share. It takes a lot for my family to make me feel this crappy, but I am finishing this post in tears...feeling a bit defeated. I guess my S.O.S. is for those of us who just could use a hug. Consider this post my *hug* to all of you out there who may be feeling a bit (--Insert feeling word here--)You are loved.

Purpose

2007-09-15T18:38:00.000-05:00

According to Rick Warren, we all have a God-ordained purpose. However, Warren focuses a lot on the afterlife and what ‘Christians’ are supposed to do to achieve that. I find myself wondering what my purpose is RIGHT NOW….as a human, an American, a being in this universe that believes with all my heart that I am not just here for myself, but to make an impact somewhere…somehow.

Well, I don’t really know exactly what my purpose is, or whether or not I know exactly what I mean by purpose. I personally think that the definition of purpose is summed up pretty well by the first few lines of the “Avenue Q” soundtrack, which goes as follows:

“Purpose, it’s that little flame, that lights a fire under your ass;
Purpose, it keeps you going strong, like a car with a full tank of gas…”

I know that, as I have stated before, I am content in my situation, but I am not sure that is enough. I don’t have that flame that ignites passion in my life.

If you ask any of my friends, I tend to be a very ‘big picture’ type of guy; however, I am in a rut of seeing myself as one very small person in an arena that requires you to be a giant in order to effect the tiniest amount of change. I don’t like this mindset, at all and I am trying to figure out how to get over it.

How do you define your own purpose? Is it already set for you, or do you decide it via the decisions you make daily, large and small?

A Plagued Senator Craig

2007-08-28T22:07:00.000-05:00

I find myself feeling a bit heavy-hearted for Senator Larry Craig. As most of my friends know, I am an extremely political person, and I would usually be excited by a seemingly hypocrital scandal that involves a conservative republican who fights against gay rights. However, this story is not making me get those 'warm fuzzies' that I usually do(I do realize that warm fuzzies may make me seem a bit heartless...oh well.)
I am finding myself heavy-hearted because I can actually relate to the alleged situation the Senator is in. Just think, how many ex-ex-gays have found themselves living double lives, seeking out meaningless hookups to help have some feeling of being alive, willing to lie to those we love in order to protect them and ultimately protect ourselves. I do not know or even want to speculate on Sen. Craig's sexuality or inner struggles; however, I do know where I've been and where many of my friends have been.
I know that the road I traveled and still travel to an extent was hard, but I could not even imagine being a top political leader under the scrutiny of millions of Americans and still battling with an inner struggle larger than life itself at times.
Another interesting thing is to watch those 'friends' and colleagues of his one by one turn away from him, bash him to the media, and just forget that he is a human. It is such a familiar scene...being with 'friends' who know you by the particular mask you wear, and once it is removed, they no longer feel that they can be in your life or look at you as a human being again, but rather, you become a disgrace, a problem, or even a liability.
For all of those, especially in the ex-ex-gay world, I ask you to not judge a man on the lack of compassion he has shown those who are 'different,' but rather, be the compassion that you want to see come from him.

On a lighter, yet much scarier note...

2007-08-25T16:55:00.000-05:00

I took this weekend off to recharge and visit some of my good friends in Columbia, Missouri. While my friend Kari and I were waiting for our friends to get into town, we went to dinner and then discovered a treasure trove of craziness...a local carnival!
Well, I am not sure if carnivals in other parts of the country/world are similar to a Rural Missouri carnival, but here is a tiny glimpse of what we saw: rusted rides operated by men and women with very few teeth(always with a cigarette in their mouths, to boot), beyond pushy game operators heckling you to pay $5 dollars to throw a ball at glued together bottles, and a lot of local folk that you usually don't see in daylight...Essentially, it was "Deliverance" with a Tilt-A-Whirl and bad carnival music to replace the Banjo
Well, Kari and I were able to amuse ourselves on the rides and by people watching(though, I think I will go get a Tetanus shot just to be safe!) There was not a huge turn out, so the ride lengths were amazingly long! Well, we were talking having a blast and enjoying the festivites, that is, until we passed the "Dunk-a-Clown" booth.
Well, there was not a line to dunk the clown, so I guess he felt the need to provoke people to pay to dunk him. It seems he fixated waaaay too much energy on me though. I was wearing a blue striped polo...for no reason other than I love blue and enjoy polos...and he started to heckle me!

Well, I do not get upset/embarrassed easily; however, he knew exactly what to do to make me feel the most uncomfortable I have felt in recent memory. He quickly deemed me as "Preppy" due to the polo. I thought he was surely talking to someone else, until he said, "Yeah, you in the blue striped Polo." Kari and I were taken aback. He didn't leave it at that. While we were in line for a ride next to his booth, he kept up with the harrassing comments. "Yeah, where you going Preppy...you 90210 Reject!" Yes...he said it...I shit you not. I am not even old enough to really remember 90210, and he was still hurling the insults. *Note, I PAID to get into this place.* So, needless to say, everyone around me and the ride we were in line for were laughing in disbelief at his comments, while staring at me. I nearly had a panic attack! To give you an example of how much I do not like attention to be put on me in public, I will share one of my greatest phobias. "*Clap, Clap, Clap*...Happy Happy Birthday, We're so glad you came, Happy Happy Birthday, from the Applebee's Gang!" When I hear the clapping, I start to have trouble breathing...Even when I'm well aware it is not my birthday, there is always that handful of friends that thinks it is sooooooo funny to see people sing to me in public! I know it sounds stupid, but my friends all now know that if they don't want me to pee my pants in public and hate them for all eternity, they will NEVER do that to me at a restaurant!
Anywho...so, I was experiencing an Applebee's Birthday Song times 10!!! Finally, I grabbed Kari, put my arm around her for support and we left so I didn't pass out from lack of oxygen! The clown of course continues, "Yeah...listen to your woman and walk away!" Kari was fairly supportive, as she tried to muzzle her laughter.
So, now that I have survived yet another traumatic even in my life, I feel I am a stronger person! Lesson learned...Clowns suck!!!

Just Checking In

2007-08-19T11:59:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to take a few minutes to check in, as I don't have anything major to share. Well...there are some major things in the works, but time will see how that goes. I have decided to attent the God and Gays seminar, which has been moved to October I believe. The news in this is that I have encouraged my mother to go with me. As a quick recap of my mother's comfort level with me being gay and gays in general...I think an analogy is in order. My mother is as comfortable talking to me about anything gay as Alan Chambers at the Miss Gay Missouri drag show! *Hopefully this provides everyone with some interesting mental pictures!
Anywho, I have decided that I can't deny who I am any longer, and once I am in a relationship, I cannot go a year and a half, as I did before, without telling my family about it. When you love someone, you want to shout it from the rooftops...not whisper it to him in the cereal isle at Shop 'N Save so as you don't make anyone feel 'akward.' I definitely want to have a family one day...one that my parents openly accept and love as they do my brother, his wife and their son. I want to feel comfortable to bring my partner to Christmas dinner with the rest of the family. Whereas this is all stuff that will take place down the road and not in the immediate future...I have to start thinking about it now.
I am going to give my mom til October to decide to go to this conference with me and educate herself instead of giving into the religious rhetoric. If she doesn't, I am going to have to make some extremely tough decisions, which I believe I am prepared to do.
Well...for just checking in, that was a bit of a tangent!!! Have a great Sunday!

Gay Marriage v. Civil Unions...and the "duh" factor

2007-07-23T20:37:00.000-05:00

I was just watching the Democratic Presidential Debate, which was very informative, and I found myself a little sad and frustrated. First of all, anyone who knows me will tell you that 1.) I am very Liberal and proud of that word; 2.) An avid supporter of a progressive mindset; 3.) A proud supporter of future President Hillary Rodham Clinton...which will be a topic of a later blog entry, I'm sure. But I digress...The one thing that frustrates me with the majority of the Democratic Candidates is their open support for Civil Unions with equal rights as heterosexual, "traditional" marriage and NOT across the board marriage for gays and straights. As we all know, the United States Relgious Machine has very cleverly and successfully convinced the average American that Gay marriage with somehow corrupt the 'sanctity' of marriage. I'm not even going to waste your time or my finger strength typing how ridiculous this school of thought is given the divorce rates and other statistics. However, I will say that I don't believe that we will see Congress or ANY President make Gay Marriage legal. Why? Because of ignorance of Americans. As harsh as it sounds, the vast majority of Americans who vote(aka...older Americans) have had the Big Religion lip service corrupt their commonsense. In our society, where we have always taken what our 'religious superiors' say at face value, the average American doesn't know how to critically question the status quo...especially when it doesn't necessairly affect them...such as Gay marriage to a straight couple.
The Democratic Party seems to have fallen victim to the apathetic approach to equality in the law. By accepting the mindset that giving the LGBT community something that isn't quite marriage...but 'equal' in the letter of the law is insulting to me as a Gay man.
As a politically charged person who loves American history, I think the answer to the Gay Marriage debate is extremely simple...and it also explains why I believe that Congress will never legalize gay marriage. The reason is because my belief that History repeats itself. Pretty simple, huh?
One of my favorite Supreme Court cases and decisions is Brown v. the Topeka Board of Education. The case took on the notion put forth by Plessy v. Ferguson that, in education, separate but equal was legitimate. This basically legalized segregation in public schools and institutions. Brown v. the Topeka Board of Education with the help of the Progressive Warren Court said in essence that separate can never be equal in public education or government institutions.
This historic decision is the basis of the 'duh' factor I mention in my title. Dems and many gays are settling for Civil Unions with 'equal' protections under the law as married straight couples. I call bullshit. Marriage is NOT a religious institution anymore. Why???
1. Tax breaks for married couples
2. Marriage is only legal with a signed license issued by a State
3. Atheists can be married legally...and God is obviously not a factor in that
These are only a few reasons why marriage is a public institution and not a religious one. So, let's level. The U.S. Supreme Court has already said that Separate can never be Equal in a public/government institution...which marriage really is. So how can giving the LGBT community something SEPARATE from Marriage be EQUAL to marriage...DUH...It CAN'T!
I do not think that Congress or any President will, in the near future, allow Gay Marriage to go through. It is going to take those dreaded "Liberal Activist" judges to make progressive changes and provide the Checks and Balances that the Framers of the Constitution set in place to protect ALL Americans. The same kind of "Liberal Activist" judges that said that blacks and whites can go to school together, swim together, and drink out of the same water fountain. Personally, I am thankful that our country has had these "extremists" on the bench, regardless of what Big Religion might try to get us to think about their Liberal agenda.

WOW...that was a rant and a half!!!

The Wonderfully Convoluted and Naive Views of a one, Mr. Alan Chambers...

2007-07-15T22:25:00.000-05:00

I was just reading Ex-Gay Watch, and saw Alan Chambers reply to a posted reply of Peterson Toscano. Peterson was describing parts of the Refuge program...very accurately, and Mr. Chambers took it upon himself to set the record straight...no pun intended...I SWEAR!

Peterson,

I am sure that LIA uses licensed and trained therapists within the program. In fact, since their move (or not long after) to Memphis they have retained the services of a licensed therapist.

Additionally, I know that they now provide after care, which is a great thing and one of the issues that you felt strongly about.

Well, I felt it was important that someone set Mr. Chambers straight...please read as much into that as you wish! This is what I wrote.

Jacob, on July 15th, 2007 at 11:23 pm Said:
I find that the more I read from Mr. Chambers, the more concerned I become. Having recently attended Love In Action, I am amazed with how much the program has ’changed.’ For example, aftercare. Such a wonderful idea…in theory; however, ’aftercare’ was supposidly an option after I left in August 2005. What does LIA do when a former client ’slips up’ after leaving the ex-gay bubble…you know…the real, unsheltered world where you aren’t going to the bathroom in groups of 3 or more…and you don’t have restrictions on what stores you can go in, who you can talk to, and have the opportunity to think for yourself??? Well, in my experience…a ’slip up’ after exiting the program results in your aftercare being terminated, for the most part. My counselor no longer talked to me, I was not allowed to contact any of my friends who were still in the program(because if they were to have communication with a gay person who was no longer being assimilated by the Ex-gay Borg, the gay rays might over power the ex-gay ones!) If that doesn’t make a person feel untouchable and damaged, I don’t know what does. I was allowed to go to an evening group led by other struggling ex-gays who meeting after meeting shared either how they ’slipped up’ or how they were struggling to NOT slip up…also, these group leaders were NOT licensed counselors…which is my next point.
Mr. Chambers, you say that Love in Action uses Licensed counselors. Well, partially you are correct. My counselor was licensed. However, daily we had group sessions led by various leaders, including John Smid, office workers, and former/current clients…non of which, to my knowledge, are licensed counselors. These theraputic groups are designed to help us focus on ourselves, begin healing, and be at our most vulnerable…something that, in hindsight, I believe that only a trained professional should be leading. *As a disclaimer, John Smid was…well..the Rev. John Smid at the time of my stay. No, not because he went through Bible College…or Seminary…but rather, because the lovely leadership at GBC, Love in Action’s host church and a major financial supporter, decided that his leading of such a noble cause earned him the title! Makes sense right?!?*
Even if a person has a license to counsel…that does not mean he or she should be able to practice. In the multiple sessions I had with my counselor, he never once took notes…which I always found odd. He also sometimes made me wait days before I could talk to him…because he was busy…despite the fact that in my 19 years of existance, I had never dealt with anything as emotionally draining and trying as Love in Action.

Also, Alan, I find myself very curious as to how many times you have visited LIA in the last six months…or a cumulative amount of hours you have spent observing the ’many changes’ that you speak of. I mean, you sound like an expert about all that is LIA. Do you just rely on the Rev. John Smid’s word, or have you seen the progress you speak of first hand?
Well, this message has turned out to a bit longer than anticipated…I guess I found my next blog topic as well!

My frustration is in the fact that Alan Chambers is sharing half truths. I do not necessairly believe it is because he wishes to mislead us, but rather because he is ignorant. I use the term ignorant in a loving way. He is ignorant to what goes on in Love In Action from a client/ex-client's perspective as well as the everyday practices because he is NOT there everyday. Which is understandable...it's hard work running a massive "Religious Machine" that is determined to reach its goals..at most any cost. I bet he naps frequently!

dixie chicks not ready to make nice

2007-07-08T16:51:00.001-05:00

Here's the video...I just figured out how to add it, as I am a "born again blog virgin!" Enjoy

Not ready to make nice

2007-07-08T16:16:00.001-05:00

Being from Rural Missouri, I have roots, that I often try to hide, in country music. And as a liberal, I have found the Dixie Chicks to be one of my favorite country groups. Their music is not only beautifully done, but there is a strong relevance in the stories they share. In listening to their song, "Not ready to make nice," I find myself relating to so much of it. It is such a powerful message that is applicable to not only me, as an Ex-Gay Survivor, but so many others. I have decided that staying quiet is not an option. Where as I don't hold anger toward Love in Action and my church for essentially disowning me, I have not forgotten. I don't think I will ever. Why? Not because of bitterness, but because a growth in my heart and soul that has occurred. Below are the lyrics and I encourage you to read them, think about them and how they apply to your own life experiences.

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything

But I’m still waiting

Words & Music by Emily Robison, Martie Maguire, Natalie Maines, Dan Wilson
C 2005 Woolly Puddin’ Music (BMI) - Chrysalis Music/Sugar Lake Music (ASCAP)

A long, long time ago on a blog not so far away...

2007-07-07T23:57:00.001-05:00

That was when I made my last post. I am not the greatest at following through with this; however, with the positive changes and decisions I have recently made, I know I am going to need as much support as I can get, as well as perspective from others who have 'been there.' I recently attended the Ex-Gay Survivors Conference in Irvine, California. The best word to describe my experience there is 'Phenomenal.' I met so many wonderful people, and the environment was so affirming and full of love.
In the past year, I have grown greatly. My goal for renewing this blog is simple...I want people who are considering ex-gay 'ministries', reparative therapy to know that there are other options. For example...realizing that being happy and healthy is more important than pleasing those around you; finding affirming friends who accept you for who you are; educating yourself before making a decision that will cost you potentially thousands of dollars and so much heartache.
I want to keep this post small, as an 'I'm back...and more fabulous than ever.' message to all of those who have been so supportive in my old blogging days and to the new people reading it.
One large difference you will notice is that I am no longer "J"...as creative and stealth as that was...I've grown to realize that worrying about what others think is a great waste of energy...energy that I could be using to help others and become a stronger person. Feel free to ask me anything and be yourself on my blog. Thanks for reading, and I will do my best to become a stronger, more consistent blogger.

2006-03-28T09:25:00.000-06:00

I work with this guy who is..."overtly straight" to the point of being hella annoying. For example, working in the convenience store industry, we have the opportunity to see many lovely co-eds(being in a college town and all.) Anytime a female enters that has been blessed by God in the bossom, he starts salavating and points it out to me. *Quick Side-Note: I am not out to many, and I do my best to keep my work and personal life separate* I do my best to entertain his hormonal surge at that moment with comments like, "Uh huh," "Yep," and my favorite, "Hmmm...Interesting." This lack of interest is kind of my cry for him to leave me out of the loop on the "Who's Who Among Springfield Boobs."
The other day, while taking out the old magazines and stocking the new, a lady I work with was tearing the cover off a Hooter's magazine when a scantily clad centerfold fell out. She asked me if I wanted it, and without hesitation I said, "No, 'Daniel' would like that kind of thing though." *His real name is not 'Daniel'...just been reading enough Dear Abby to know you change the names! Immediately realizing that I would have outed myself to anyone with half a brain, I was horrified. Luckily, working in the convenience store industry, half a brain is not a requisite for employment. When 'Daniel' got the picture he was elated.
Later he asked me if I wanted one. Once again, without even thinking, I quickly said, "No." Then my co-work asked why, was I gay or something. I still don't know what the "or something" option was, but really wish I could have gone with that. After several seconds of dead silence, we were interrupted by a customer, thank God! Usually I am quick with responsed to hide my sexual orientation, but it's like the part of me that generally worried about what others thought had been shut off. My later response to him was, "It just doesn't do anything for me, but thanks." I did successfully evade the question at hand; however, he did appologize a few minutes later if he "Offended me."
Until this point I had not been offended. Stunned, yes...but offended, not so much. I took it as him appologizing for the insult of insinuating I was gay. Do we really live in a society where it is more important to appologize for thinking someone is gay, like it is the ultimate put-down, than it is to appologize for invading someone's personal life, especially when they try extremely hard to check their personal life at the door.
I decided to not let it get to me...but it did. It's amazing how in our culture it is not only ok, but expected that straight guys flaunt their sexuality everywhere, even the workplace, and the gay population is expected to "know their role." What role is this? It's the role of second class citizen who MUST watch making comments that could put non-gay in an uncomfortable situation. Can you imagine me taking a copy of Muscles of the shelf and asking my co-worker if he'd "ever seen a pair of pecks that hot!" Or even better, when one of my attractive male customers enters, ask 'Daniel' if he's a "top or a bottom" while biting my bottom lip in anticipation. Granted I don't have the guts to do either of those things, and also respect him enough not to. Oh well, just another thing the straight culture has to learn!

2006-03-26T23:43:00.000-06:00

Anyone who has ever been in Love in Action, and I'm sure any other ex-gay ministries knows about re-introductions. A re-intro is where you share EVERY past sexual "sin" that you have ever committed to a loved one, friend, or anyone you wanted to have contact with while in Love in Action(yes, unless you tell your parents everything you've ever done sexually, or at least to the point that your counselor is content with, you cannot speak with them for the duration of your stay at LIA.) I didn't agree with it, believing firmly that confessing my sins to God was sufficient enough, not to mention a group of my peers, counselors. The logic behind the whole thing is that whom ever I tell is going to be my accountability, and my accountability needs to be fully aware of "what I'm capable of." So, being the obedient person I am, I told not only my parents, but 2 of my pastors, my brother, and my best friend. None of these people had any idea what to expect of my seemingly harmless "re-intro." Little did they know, everything they never wanted to hear was about to be exposed. I had to talk to these people I loved and that cared for me. I felt so alone and filthy at times, it was important to know that people loved me. Ergo, I got over the hesitation of telling them everything, so I could just hear their affirming voices. This, to me, is another example of exploiting the vulnerable. I believe this was partially(not the sole purpose, I don't think) to humilliate us in hopes that it would stop us from behaving "badly." Now, everytime my parents and I get in an argument over me making decisions for myself or I try to tell my best-friend about a choice I am making, they use what I told them in my re-intro against me. I admit I have done some horrible stuff...things that make me cringe, and at times I don't believe that they factor in that people grow and change. The things in my past do not make up who I am today. I have learned from many of these mistakes, and if anything, I believe I will be a better, stronger person in the future having had these experiences.

2006-03-23T22:47:00.000-06:00

Depression sucks. I have suffered from depression for about 5 years now. I also have diagnosed Tourette Syndrome, OCD, and while at Love in Action, was diagnosed as Bi-Polar(Not by LIA Staff, but by Psychiatric professionals!) I stopped taking my meds about two months ago, as a protest against my mother really. Everytime I disagree with her or have any problem in my life it's the same thing: "Are you taking your meds?!? You must not be, otherwise you wouldn't be like this!" So, as childish as it is, I stopped taking them. Plus the side effects were getting me down.
My life, being as crazy as it is right now, didn't need the added pressure of depression, so I decided to make an appointment. It was sooo difficult to do because I literally have no ability to follow thru with even small tasks, an effect of my depression. While in the doctor's office, I had an overwhelming sense of fear and disgust of myself. There was a few ladies in there and they were really in need of some major psychiatric services(Not to judge, I mean they were in the shrink's office!) I couldn't help but wonder...am I one of those crazy people? Maybe I just hide it better. I feel really crazy right now. I cry over the smallest things, I have no zeal for anything, and I have been having a lot of obsessive thoughts...even more than normal.
While the doctor(actually she was an RN something or other...good enough to write scripts, basically) was asking me crazy, I got frustrated. She was asking me the fluff questions: are you suicidal, are you hearing voices, etc. Not once did she ask me what's going on with me, what the root of my depression is, etc. She asked me if I was suicidal. I hesitated because I didn't know how to answer that question honestly. I am NOT suicidal, BUT I have thought lately(a lot) that things would be easier if I wasn't around. I told her this, and she didn't even suggest counseling. By the end of our session while she was walking out of the room, I asked her about it because I know I need something, not just meds. She said "Oh, that's a good idea. I meant to suggest that." I ended up suggestion my own place to find counseling and she said it sounded good. She didn't give me a name, number, or anything. For someone like me who is struggling with feelings of hopelessness and having difficulties following thru with simple tasks, it really sucks to have someone you pay to help not show genuine(or any other form) concern and notice I'm crying out for help.
I ended up calling my mother, whom I haven't talked to civily in weeks. She worked for the Missouri Department of Mental Health for 14 years or so. I was desperate for help. She also suffers from depression and can empathize. She pointed me to a few different places, and I am still trying to get into a real psychiatrist and find a counselor whom I can talk to about this stuff in my life. I know that I can't give up right now. As corny and cliche as this may sound, I am in the fight of my life. I am not a quitter, and I hate to lose. Quitting is not an option, and regardless or who is for or against me right now, I have to be for me. I have learned that at times I am going to be the only one on my side, cheering me on.
This post has turned out to be long, but it feels a lot better to put my thoughts and feelings into words.

2006-03-16T22:09:00.000-06:00

It's amazing to me how much misinformation was presented at Love In Action. So many things that were taught concerning the psychological aspects of being gay I have found are wrong. I am taking a Psych class and doing a lot of studying. John Smid is just plain wrong, and I am concerned about the people currently going thru the teachings. What can we do to let people know the truth? As taught by Love in Action, "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free."
Has anyone ever tried to sue Love in Action? Someone suggested that to me recently. I am not a big fan of the whole "sue crazy" nation we live in; however, having gone through a program that claims to be a religious organization/church, and denies providing psychological services(correct me if I have that wrong.) I think it's fair to say that I was damaged going into LIA, and came out even more so. I was the prey of a predatorial group, seeking weak, wounded individuals who are deeply in need of having a void filled. EVERY person in LIA that I can remember had just recently hit their rock bottom before deciding to attend the program. God, I feel like a fool. So naive and childish. What can I do though. It's in the past, and I have my future ahead of me. Would suing LIA put an end to this, or at least bring about awareness? I wish I knew that they didn't promise "curing" of homosexuality before I went and thrusted myself into debt. The admissions people didn't mention that once. They just made it sound as if God would take away all my problems thru them, and them alone. Does anyone have any ideas, suggestions, or comments?

2006-03-14T17:01:00.000-06:00

Hey all. I'm sorry I've been slacking on my posts. Ok...slacking is an understatement. With work, school, family, dating, etc. my life has been crazy. I am currently trying to get back to some normalcy...whatever that may be.
I have not talked to my mother in almost 3 weeks. I came out to her for the 4th time, and she didn't take it well. She told me that I only think of myself. I reminded her that a major reason I went to Memphis and attended Love in Action was my wanting to please her. She, in turn, cut me off. For example, I put my high tuition for Love In Action on credit, with my parents promise to pay for it when they sold their home. They were making payments for me; however, after telling them that I was going to live my life for me and pursue happiness and be myself, they stopped making the payments and told me they will not pay for something that didn't work. So...here I am, in college and working full time with a mountain of debt. I have been overwhelmed with this, but honestly, there is nothing I can do. I've been thinking about selling my story to someone and trying to get a Lifetime movie made or a book written. Anyone have any suggestions?
I am also dating again. I'm not really worried about finding a relationship anymore. I think it's because I still feel the burn of my last. I'm just having fun, building friendships first. I actually have a date this evening. It's strange, after going thru a program like Love in Action where the homosexual lifestyle is villified so much, to be slowly stepping back into it.
I talked to my dad last night on the phone. He is being very loving, not supportive; however, I am not expecting him or my mother to accept me being gay. He told me he was operating under the "Don't ask, Don't tell" policy. I did tell him I'm seeing a guy last night(slight embellishment, but needed to see where the line is for our talks...needless to say, I found it!)
I will try to do better at this whole posting thing!

2006-02-12T13:49:00.000-06:00

Attention all blog readers: This post is going to be slightly out of the norm of what my blog description might lead you to expect. But today is a day of great saddness and yet quiet triumph for the United States of America. With great anticipation and expectation we watched the Olympic opening ceremony in Torino, Italy with our eyes and hearts fixed on the team in red, white, and blue. Today, however, a nations heart was broken. Michelle Kwan, America's sweetheart in figure skating, regretably had to withdraw from the 2006 Winter Olympics due to a horrid groin injury. I can't say that I am surprised with all of the trouble that Michelle's groin has given her as of late; however, I can say that my heart is with her. In exiting one of the greatest sporting events in a world's history, Michelle takes not only her skates back to the U.S., but a nations full respect, gratitude, and adoration with her. Michelle, if you read this, please know that you will always be our American Idol on Ice. With grace and elogance that few on earth possess, and a cache of stolen hearts in your possession, good luck Michelle, and I can't wait to see what the future holds for you.

Now the hardest part. Shifting my full-on support from Michelle Kwan to another American Skater. I enjoy Sasha Cohen and have the utmost respect for her; however, my eyes are fixed on Emily Hughes, 2002 Olympic Champion Sarah Hughes' younger sister. I don't know if she has what it takes to steal the Gold; however, she will have all eyes on her while she tries to fill her sister's incredibly large "Golden Skates." Good luck Emily and Sasha, and may God Bless Michelle Kwan.

2006-02-09T11:05:00.000-06:00

Break out the black! Today would mark my two year anniversary with the preacher; however, that option left when he decided to break up with me for a woman 8 months ago. Am I bitter...kind of, I can't lie. But in the last few weeks, I have felt a huge liberation. I sent him an email telling him that I no longer agreed with the teachings of Love In Action and that I had fought the assimilation being forced on me. I told him that as much as I would have loved to NOT have same-sex attractions, I still did. I asked him point blank if he still had attractions, how he was doing, etc.
The response I got back was the final straw. He said he was sorry that I was struggling, he would pray for me, and that Nathan Bell told him, "If we ask God to take away our homosexual feelings, we are asking him to take away our freedom to choose." I thought about this for a long time. Honestly, it sounds like bull to me, especially if God wants us to be "straight" and same-sex attraction free. I don't have the answers. I just like to think critically.
So today, marking a dark day in my past, I have set up many things so that I do NOT contact my ex. That is probably the most unhealthy thing I could do at this point. I am doing my best to have a complete split, which is the hardest thing in the world to do. Any suggestions?

2006-02-07T17:41:00.000-06:00

I live in Missouri. Actually, I live in Springfield, MO, the religious Mecca of Missouri. Thank the Lord for the Universities here, otherwise, I would be in ex-ex-gay Hell. I moved here for college and the cost of living is cheap. Many people I have talked to do not understand why I stay with Christianity when so many Christians don't agree with the "lifestyle" if you believe, unlike myself, believe homosexuality is a lifestyle.
I actually came out to my mother last night for the 4th time I think...the 1st time since going through Love In Action. It was rough. She didn't yell or scream, although it was over the phone. She got off the phone to cry I think. I called her again today, and the conversation was not as great. She compared my struggles to that of a pedophile! Says that I'm "Not special...pedophiles are sex addicts, too." I was baffled. Didn't know what to say...is there a way to respond to that? I have cut my parents off. I don't think it is healthy to keep in contact with them right now. I told them specifically that I am NOT looking for them to accept me being gay. I am asking them to not judge me or preach at me. I guess it would be too much to ask them to accept it. They've known for over 4 years though, and they haven't really budged. That's probably because I kept budging and taking being gay back.

2006-02-05T21:06:00.000-06:00

What do you do when someone you are sharing a very intimate moment with slips up and says someone else's name? Well, I had no idea what to do. He didn't realize it at first, until I used my name a few minutes later in the third person. I realized at that point that hookups are not good. You have to know someone before you can be truly intimate with them. I felt like a fool and a little bit slutty. But I have to step out of my shoes and step into his...he must have felt 10 times more stupid than me! We finished our 'intimate' get-to-gather, and parted. He was never heard from again. I almost feel like I get close to someone only long enough for them to make an exit plan.

2006-02-05T01:49:00.000-06:00

I just started a new job, and the first day was very interesting. I found out that my manager, who happens to be a pastor of some small Apostolic church, also "Hates Fags." Well, we are all familiar with Fred Phelps and "God hates fags." When I came out to my parents the first time at the age of 16, my father conveniently left pieces of paper around and the website(godhatesfags.com or something) as the homepage on my computer. Should someone who is so obviously prejudiced be hiring people? Shouldn't a company have guidelines as to whom can be in charge of major things like that? It is not right that I am afraid of my manager finding out about my orientation in order to protect my job. My manager doesn't know about me, and it will stay that way because I believe that my personal life and work life are to be autonomous.
Next, why are people so ignorant. I know that is an age old question and all, but really...give me a break. To be so ignorant and full of hate to say something like "God Hates...." anything shows that we are not dealing with a full deck of cards. God is synonymous with love, right? John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the WORLD..." not that he loved the religious leaders. Jesus made it clear he didn't like religion. He disliked the religious crowd, and prefered hanging out with the hookers, drunks, and other sinners.
With all of this evidence and knowledge at arms reach, we still have churches who preach love the sinner, hate the sin YET they condemn everyone who doesn't conform to religious norms. I soooo wish Jesus was walking the earth today. Jesus did NOT conform to religious norms by any means! The church of today would have been looking for a much more religious savior, and probably would have shunned Christ.
I am scared of God. I went through with Love in Action because of many reasons, but mainly because I "Knew" that homosexuality was the ultimate sin that was ultimately punished by eternity in hell. I don't believe that anymore. I don't know why I am attracted to guys, but what I do know is that God is a God of love and forgiveness, NOT a cynical God who tries to have people fall through loop-holes. I don't know if you're born gay, if it is psychological or what...but I do know that I did NOT choose it. Who would choose something that so many people see as the ultimate perversion? Why do so many Christians see me as a pervert and a sinner when I am pursuing my attractions just the same way they are pursuing theirs?

2006-01-24T15:32:00.000-06:00

Growing up I was raised in a pretty conservative family home with dysfunction running wild. I went to church at a Baptist church, that was anything but open minded. I became a Christian at the age of 8 and after that began going through all the motions a good little baptist boy should. This is the time when I started noticing my attractions to men, give or take a little time. I was so young that I never thought anything of it.
Back to my family...my dad was an alcoholic and my mother is just plain neurotic. I came out to my parents at the age of 16 after they found out about a relationship of mine. To say the least they didn't take it well. I was called an F-ing Faggot, pervert, and told I was going to hell. I was threatened to be kicked out of the house at 16 and disowned. Needless to say the fear got to me, and I took back the coming out. I didn't know that you could take that back, but actually you can! Who would have thunk.
From the time I was 17 until February of my senior year I "laid low" with my attractions, just doing random hook-ups to meet my "needs." Being from a small town I had to lay low. On February 9, 2004, I met someone who would turn my life upside down. He was an Assemblies of God preacher. I thought he was trying to "save my soul" after seeing that I went to Iowa for the Howard Dean campaign. Turns out he was not trying to save my soul, but rather, he was trying to hit on me, and he was very successful in doing so.
We met at a local restaurant in my hometown and drove for 30 minutes before the "Purple Elephant" in the car was identified. I asked him if he was gay and he said yes. We turned around and went home to his place, watched a movie, and ended up having sex our first date. Turns out this pastor of a small country church was hiding some rather big skeletons in his closet, or should I say his baptisimal!
We started being very close after that and officially started dating about a month later. He told me in that month period that he only wanted to be "friends with benefits" because (paraphrased) being in a relationship would mean he is gay. He was 23 and in the heart of the Bible Belt, was very conflicted. I could totally relate.
That summer I took my first vacation. The preacher and I went together. On our way to Florida, we stopped at a small church where he preached and made some money for our vacation. Our relationship had grown to be very enmeshed and full of fun and excitement. We were attached at the hip. We were doing just great, and then I experienced for the first time, another gay guy paying extra special attention to me.
A local law enforcement officer in town came to my work and told me he knew about me. I instinctively denied it to protect myself...he DID have a gun! Later I gave him my number, which initiated a brief affair(don't know if I can use that term, but I will anyway!)I told my boyfriend, the still-preacher at that time, what I had done. He forgave me and we tried to mend the our relationship the best possible, but it seemed to only go downhill from there.
In August I went to college which brought its own difficulties to our relationship. For the first time in 6 months we were apart for more than 3 days. We ended the relationship for a little while and I started dating a Junior. He was very model like and I had NO idea why he was with an average Joe like me. He was an interesting character. I am a very masculine acting guy, and he was a theatre major...draw your own conclusions. He was a party-going, wild-child while I was and am to an extent very conservative and quiet. He also didn't work and was from a very middle class family. He always seemed to have a lot of cash though(although he never offered to buy!) After that relationship ended for irreconsilable differences, I was chatting with a guy who said he knew my ex from college. He actually had just paid him a couple weeks back for "escort services." Yes. I was dating an escort...aka...a male whore. I also contracted scabies from him, which was a major ordeal.
A month or so after this I started dating the preacher again. We had no problem picking up where we left off, or so I thought. He had went to the pastors of my church and told them he "struggled with homosexuality." They sent him to a weekly Exocud ministry meeting and a class called Living Waters. He would try to apply the ex-gay material to our relationship, and I did NOT like that. He was trying to diagnose our relationship as emotionally dependent. In hind-sight, he was VERY right, but I got VERY offended.
At the end of May 2005 we went on another vacation to Kentucky. There we mended some of the problems we were having. There he asked me to "marry him"
Ok, I was very shocked. I brought up the obvious that we couldn't get married and tried to play my shock off with that. But he was serious...or so I thought. We got back from Kentucky, and 2 days later the unthinkable happened. The boyfriend of 16 months(minus off time) broke up with me because he couldn't be a homosexual anymore(geez...didn't realize it was that easy.) I was horrified, wondering what I could do to resolve this. Being a "fixer" I knew there was SOMETHING I could do to change his mind. There wasn't. He was resolved.
A week later, my Pastor called me into his office. I went curiously, not knowing why he wanted to see me. The unthinkable happened, yet again. The youth had found a text message I sent my boyfriend. (For clarification: I didn't go to my boyfriend's church, I had a different pastor, my boyfriends OLD senior pastor also his mentor) So, natuarally I lied to my pastor, left quickly, and tried to fix. I called my ex-boyfriend and we decided to come clean. I thought I could still get him back at this point, so this mess gave me a reason to contact him and talk. That night we met at Pizza Hut and told my Pastor everything. After that we were forbidden to talk, but we did anyway. My boyfriend then told me about a program he was refered to called Love In Action. My life was nearing a huge crossroads.
July 16, 2005 I got in my car and drove to Memphis, TN. I arrived at the Love In Action house. I was horrified! The people were very nice; however, I hear they are nice in cults, too, but I digress. That day I entered safe keeping, which meant I couldn't talk socially for 3 days. We also went over the rules of everything you could not do. For example, it was forbidden to give each other hugs, talk on the phone, and definitely no masterbation. You name it and there was a rule for it. I went originally thinking to myself, "he'll take me back if I just do what he wants." However, I couldn't see the illogical thought process that was occuring.
After 2 months at Love In Action, I had seen and heard it all from people who've had sex with animals to pedophiles wanting to change their ways. I decided that after 2 months the program had nothing more to offer me, so I left. A week later, I hooked up with a guy who had been kicked out of the program for not complying with the program norms. After hanging out for a few hours the "unthinkable" happened...Two ex-gays who enjoyed each others company had sex with one another. I felt so guilty. I had just spent $7,000 to get "fixed" and learn tools to assure I wouldn't be with men again, and it didn't happen! Was I broken? Did I just totally have no control on my attractions? I still don't know the answers to those questions, but I think I am getting closer...or maybe just becoming more cynical.
At this point, you know where I have been over the last several months. The remainder of this blog is going to be dedicated to different stories of things that happen in my crazy life, with some being detailed and quasi-graphic, but only truth. I will take time to express how I feel on certain subjects as they come up.