Finally able to Blog!!!

Obviously it has been a while since my last post, and there is a decent explaination as to why. I ended up moving from St. Louis to Iowa to work on a Presidential Campaign. Blogs are strongly discouraged while employed by a candidate for President...especially when it is someone like me who tends to speak rather candidly.

To say the least it was a BIG move for me. I was very comfortable in my job and life there, but I knew I wasn't following my passion. I am a political nerd...not just because it's fun or exciting, but because I believe being involved in the process is the only way to bring about real change. This may come as a shocker, but I am NOT pleased with the current administration and the scary direction it is leading us.

I have posted previously that I am a supporter of Hillary Clinton. I believe with all my heart that she is the candidate that can best deliver the changes we need, whether it be the economy, Iraq, healthcare, etc. I believe the other two candidates are notable candidates as well with their own strenghts; however, there are some issues that I believe Hillary has addressed that the others ignore.

Something that Sen. Obama did that really showed me he didn't understand the importance of recognizing the ignorance that is the ex-gay ministry really opened my eyes. As we all remember, Barack was doing a evangelical swing with misisters, preachers, etc. It was brought to his attention quickly that one of the ministers was a "successful" product of the ex-gay movement. Well...Obama decided to keep him on and bring on a gay preacher to balance it out. Fair enough, right??? Not at all. When you look at the GLBT community, most all of the advocacy for advancement and equality comes from the Democratic Party. By keeping a vocal supporter by your side who believes that gays are choosing this and spreading lies about the possibility of change is a kick in the face to a demographic that overwhelmingly supports the Democratic Party. With that said, I realize there are gay republicans...whether or not it is an oxymoron, it is the truth. Anywho...we all know what the ex-gay movement believes: 1.) Homosexuality is a sin 2.) You don't HAVE to be gay, if you don't want to...you just have to work for it 3.) If it doesn't work and you are still gay, it is your fault.

Well, I found myself a bit upset by this. Knowing the pain I went through, I really wish the Candidates would all speak on this issue, as it is a very big issue.

Oh, Canada!

I just recently visited my friend Ken, whom I met at the Ex-Gay Survivors conference in Irvine a couple months ago. I traveled to Toronto, my second 'birth place.' to visit Ken and see the Gorgeous city one again.
Last summer, as I believe I have written about before, I attended Pride Toronto. It was a life altering experience for me. I found myself feeling more liberated and free than ever before in my life. This, being just months after my escape from the ex-gay entrappment, I was able to rediscover who I am....as a person, as a young man, as a gay man.
My trip back was full of excitement and wonder. To start, I flew to Buffalo, NY, and was able to visit Niagra Falls. The cabbie and I had an amazing political conversation...as he was a New York Democrat. I got a really cool take on my Lady, Hillary! He also told me that I could walk across the Canadian/American Border. Being the adventurer I am, I jumped on the opportunity.
The Horseshoe Falls and mist that rose above were gorgeous! I felt so free just walking across a bridge into a foreign country. However, the cabbie said that once I crossed it would be about a 3 block trip to the bus station. Well...Make that 3 miles! Well, let's just say it built character.
Ken greeted me at a Starbucks behind the bus station. It was so good to see a familiar face that was so welcoming. Toronto was already as wonderful as I had remembered it!

More to come soon on the Trek to Canada...

...Call for action!!!

After watching the video Ex Gay Watch posted about the Republican Mayor of San Diego changing his views on gay marriage, and signing a resolution to have the city attorney file suit against the state, I was just in awe. This is why I love politics. One person can make such a huge impact, just by leading with their heart.
I find myself wanting to do something, to make a change, to fight for social justice, just as Mayor Sanders did, in such a majorly brave way. But, I am just one...what can I do? Well, thankfully, I am not the kind of person who actually believes that...at least when it comes to politics and government.
I believe that Gandhi said it best that we must be that change that we want to see in the world(paraphrased.) Whereas the GLBT community has many vocal advocates and leaders, still a vast number of members sit back silently, while being opressed. I believe that we must follow the lead of people, like Mayor Sanders, who take unpopular stands, say unpopular things, and make unpopular decisions. This is where we come in.
I am the world's worst at following through with a lot of things, but I strongly encourage you to take action along with me by doing the following.

1. Write Mayor Jerry Sanders and email thanking him for his courage and conviction. you know that he will have a lot of critical letters from members of his own party. his email is JerrySanders@sandiego.gov. This took me about 5 minutes to type a very heartfelt letter of appreciation and praise!

2. Write a letter to the mayor of your city and members of your city council strongly encouraging them to follow the lead of Mayor Sanders and the San Diego city council. I will be sending mine to Mayor Francis Slay of St. Louis hopefully Monday.

These actions will literally take a total of 20-30 minutes. That is such a tiny bit of time that can impact and effect such great change. Thanks for reading.

San Diego Mayor Supports Gay Marriage

Thanks to Ex Gay Watch for posting this video. Absolutely amazing...it brought me to tears!

Roadmap of the Heart

When do you follow your heart?
When it is convenient?
When it goes along with the plans and expectations that family, friends, or even you have put on yourself?

Or is it just New Age Jargon? I mean…obviously the heart it just an organ made up muscle and tissue that circulates blood throughout the body. Why do we, as a society, as a world even, put so much emphasis on this figurative and almost mythical “entity.”

As skeptical and jaded as that may sound, I don’t subscribe to that belief. Believe me, I wish at times I did; however, I see the heart as a much bigger thing than just an organ. To me it represents my soul, my passion, my dreams and aspirations.

Right now, I am at a bit of a crossroads in my life. I see a few paths that I could take, and I see the path that I am currently on, steadfastly. The path I am on now provides me with security. I have family close, a good job that pays well, and for the most part I am self sufficient. And I am content…which is where I find myself a bit alarmed. I know I am happy about many things in my life, and I see that I am very fortunate; however, this current path I am on is not the one that I believe, in my heart, that I should be on. For example, I am currently making more money in my current job that I probably would my first few years out of college with my Political Science degree…as, my passion is to help people and work for change. Most of the jobs I am interested in are not the greatest paying jobs in the world…but they offer so much more than money can offer. To me, that is a feeling of not only knowing your purpose, but achieving it as well.

I want to go back to school. Honestly, I am scared too. My first year of school, I did well. Excellent grades, happy, etc. However, I have made a couple less than successful attempts to getting back in the swing of the academic world after LIA. I hate to blame it on anything other than myself, but I know that my depression has stopped me from achieving many goals and being successful in the academic world, thus far. There have been weeks that I can barely make it to class because of illness. Times where I cannot get out of bed. And my grades reflected it, as well as my withdraw from school.

I know that I have to do something with my life, as I am not happy with the status quo. It is not rewarding to me, and I am not following my heart. Enters the question: What the hell do I do?

Part of me wants to start fresh; however, I think that it may look like running away. I have also learned that happiness is created, it is not just a given when you move somewhere new. Another part of me is so scared to make a huge mistake, bite off more than I can chew, or even worse, fail. I know that failure is not the worst thing in the world. It is an opportunity to learn from the choices that led to the lack of success, and make changes; however, it still scares me to death.

Another huge issue for me right now is that I just got a promotion at work. Honestly, a promotion that I did not want. I feel as if I was very pressured into taking it. I am so worried about stepping down from a manager position to an Assistant Manager or even lower for a few reasons: 1.) The pay cut would be large; 2.) I would let down those who entrusted me with such a large responsibility (really…they are letting a 21 year old manage a multi-million dollar store!) 3.) I see that as letting everyone else see that I couldn’t cut it. I believe these are legitimate fears; however, I also know that I shouldn’t let what others think dominate my life.

So, right now, I have decided I have to listen to my heart….yes that mass of muscle that pumps blood to all regions of my body. I guess that the heart is what keeps us living and going…one day at a time. So why is it ridiculous to want to follow your ‘heart,’ that is made of your soul, passion, and essence your life…you know, the life that the organ heart sustains day after day. I guess it isn’t ridiculous to follow your heart…now we just need to find a Roadmap of the Heart.

Sending out an S.O.S!!!

I know many of you who read my blog, thus I know that many of you can relate to the feeling of being alone, rejected, damaged, or even "fucked up." To all readers with virgin ears, I appologize for the use of the F-Bomb; however, in a very recent conversation with my mother(oh, five minutes ago) that was a term she used for me and my life. I am a pretty strong person; however, my family knows exactly what buttons to push to send me spiraling down into a very dark place, regarless that I know the truth about myself to be otherwise.
The conversation began with a conversation I had with both my mother and father today, at different times, about feeling like I am in a rut. I feel as if, like my last post stated, I am not living up to my full potential and not doing what I want to with my life. I have had intentions since leaving Love In Action to get back in school full time and continue pursuing my education in the field where my passion lies. Thinking my parents would be happy that I am looking to better myself and follow my heart, they instead chastised me. It started, like clockwork, with the "I told you so..." speal. First about moving to St. Louis, then about buying my car, then about school, etc. From the conversations, I realized that life would have been SOOO much better off had I just listened to my parents...according to them, everything I did against their will is what has caused my life to be "fucked up" and for me to be in the sticky situation I am in.
Please keep in mind that I only called to gauge their opinion about possibly stepping down from my management position, cutting back in some areas(not as nice of a car, cable, etc.) in order to live more simply, so that I could get back in school and work toward doing what I love.
I should have known better...silly me! Talk about opening the flood gates. To sum up the last conversation with my mother, that resulted in her hanging up on me(although I sooo wanted to hang up on her first!) picture this: (This is a very abridged version of her side of the conversation) "I told you, you fucked up your opportunity, you won't ever listen to anyone, you need to be on your meds(which, for the most part I am, btw) you won't tell your doctor what's wrong with you(meaning the conditions SHE has diagnosed me with...along with the meds I need for it), and I don't know WHAT you are up to, but I know you are doing something that I do not approve of(insinuating something to do with the whole 'gay' thing)
My response may not have been the most mature; however, I maintained a civil tone and shared how she was making me feel(which she replied bullshit...my bad, why was I thinking that I COULD have feelings in a conversation that she had already turned around and made about her!) I said, replying to the whole "Something that I do NOT approve of" remark that maybe I should go watch a few SNL Church Lady clips to find out EXACTLY what it is that she didn't approve of again...since I must have misplaced my list(Cue phone being slammed on her end!)




I guess I just really needed to share. It takes a lot for my family to make me feel this crappy, but I am finishing this post in tears...feeling a bit defeated. I guess my S.O.S. is for those of us who just could use a hug. Consider this post my *hug* to all of you out there who may be feeling a bit (--Insert feeling word here--)You are loved.

Purpose

According to Rick Warren, we all have a God-ordained purpose. However, Warren focuses a lot on the afterlife and what ‘Christians’ are supposed to do to achieve that. I find myself wondering what my purpose is RIGHT NOW….as a human, an American, a being in this universe that believes with all my heart that I am not just here for myself, but to make an impact somewhere…somehow.


Well, I don’t really know exactly what my purpose is, or whether or not I know exactly what I mean by purpose. I personally think that the definition of purpose is summed up pretty well by the first few lines of the “Avenue Q” soundtrack, which goes as follows:

“Purpose, it’s that little flame, that lights a fire under your ass;
Purpose, it keeps you going strong, like a car with a full tank of gas…”

I know that, as I have stated before, I am content in my situation, but I am not sure that is enough. I don’t have that flame that ignites passion in my life.

If you ask any of my friends, I tend to be a very ‘big picture’ type of guy; however, I am in a rut of seeing myself as one very small person in an arena that requires you to be a giant in order to effect the tiniest amount of change. I don’t like this mindset, at all and I am trying to figure out how to get over it.

How do you define your own purpose? Is it already set for you, or do you decide it via the decisions you make daily, large and small?

A Plagued Senator Craig

I find myself feeling a bit heavy-hearted for Senator Larry Craig. As most of my friends know, I am an extremely political person, and I would usually be excited by a seemingly hypocrital scandal that involves a conservative republican who fights against gay rights. However, this story is not making me get those 'warm fuzzies' that I usually do(I do realize that warm fuzzies may make me seem a bit heartless...oh well.)
I am finding myself heavy-hearted because I can actually relate to the alleged situation the Senator is in. Just think, how many ex-ex-gays have found themselves living double lives, seeking out meaningless hookups to help have some feeling of being alive, willing to lie to those we love in order to protect them and ultimately protect ourselves. I do not know or even want to speculate on Sen. Craig's sexuality or inner struggles; however, I do know where I've been and where many of my friends have been.
I know that the road I traveled and still travel to an extent was hard, but I could not even imagine being a top political leader under the scrutiny of millions of Americans and still battling with an inner struggle larger than life itself at times.
Another interesting thing is to watch those 'friends' and colleagues of his one by one turn away from him, bash him to the media, and just forget that he is a human. It is such a familiar scene...being with 'friends' who know you by the particular mask you wear, and once it is removed, they no longer feel that they can be in your life or look at you as a human being again, but rather, you become a disgrace, a problem, or even a liability.
For all of those, especially in the ex-ex-gay world, I ask you to not judge a man on the lack of compassion he has shown those who are 'different,' but rather, be the compassion that you want to see come from him.

On a lighter, yet much scarier note...

I took this weekend off to recharge and visit some of my good friends in Columbia, Missouri. While my friend Kari and I were waiting for our friends to get into town, we went to dinner and then discovered a treasure trove of craziness...a local carnival!
Well, I am not sure if carnivals in other parts of the country/world are similar to a Rural Missouri carnival, but here is a tiny glimpse of what we saw: rusted rides operated by men and women with very few teeth(always with a cigarette in their mouths, to boot), beyond pushy game operators heckling you to pay $5 dollars to throw a ball at glued together bottles, and a lot of local folk that you usually don't see in daylight...Essentially, it was "Deliverance" with a Tilt-A-Whirl and bad carnival music to replace the Banjo
Well, Kari and I were able to amuse ourselves on the rides and by people watching(though, I think I will go get a Tetanus shot just to be safe!) There was not a huge turn out, so the ride lengths were amazingly long! Well, we were talking having a blast and enjoying the festivites, that is, until we passed the "Dunk-a-Clown" booth.
Well, there was not a line to dunk the clown, so I guess he felt the need to provoke people to pay to dunk him. It seems he fixated waaaay too much energy on me though. I was wearing a blue striped polo...for no reason other than I love blue and enjoy polos...and he started to heckle me!


Well, I do not get upset/embarrassed easily; however, he knew exactly what to do to make me feel the most uncomfortable I have felt in recent memory. He quickly deemed me as "Preppy" due to the polo. I thought he was surely talking to someone else, until he said, "Yeah, you in the blue striped Polo." Kari and I were taken aback. He didn't leave it at that. While we were in line for a ride next to his booth, he kept up with the harrassing comments. "Yeah, where you going Preppy...you 90210 Reject!" Yes...he said it...I shit you not. I am not even old enough to really remember 90210, and he was still hurling the insults. *Note, I PAID to get into this place.* So, needless to say, everyone around me and the ride we were in line for were laughing in disbelief at his comments, while staring at me. I nearly had a panic attack! To give you an example of how much I do not like attention to be put on me in public, I will share one of my greatest phobias. "*Clap, Clap, Clap*...Happy Happy Birthday, We're so glad you came, Happy Happy Birthday, from the Applebee's Gang!" When I hear the clapping, I start to have trouble breathing...Even when I'm well aware it is not my birthday, there is always that handful of friends that thinks it is sooooooo funny to see people sing to me in public! I know it sounds stupid, but my friends all now know that if they don't want me to pee my pants in public and hate them for all eternity, they will NEVER do that to me at a restaurant!
Anywho...so, I was experiencing an Applebee's Birthday Song times 10!!! Finally, I grabbed Kari, put my arm around her for support and we left so I didn't pass out from lack of oxygen! The clown of course continues, "Yeah...listen to your woman and walk away!" Kari was fairly supportive, as she tried to muzzle her laughter.
So, now that I have survived yet another traumatic even in my life, I feel I am a stronger person! Lesson learned...Clowns suck!!!

Just Checking In

I just wanted to take a few minutes to check in, as I don't have anything major to share. Well...there are some major things in the works, but time will see how that goes. I have decided to attent the God and Gays seminar, which has been moved to October I believe. The news in this is that I have encouraged my mother to go with me. As a quick recap of my mother's comfort level with me being gay and gays in general...I think an analogy is in order. My mother is as comfortable talking to me about anything gay as Alan Chambers at the Miss Gay Missouri drag show! *Hopefully this provides everyone with some interesting mental pictures!
Anywho, I have decided that I can't deny who I am any longer, and once I am in a relationship, I cannot go a year and a half, as I did before, without telling my family about it. When you love someone, you want to shout it from the rooftops...not whisper it to him in the cereal isle at Shop 'N Save so as you don't make anyone feel 'akward.' I definitely want to have a family one day...one that my parents openly accept and love as they do my brother, his wife and their son. I want to feel comfortable to bring my partner to Christmas dinner with the rest of the family. Whereas this is all stuff that will take place down the road and not in the immediate future...I have to start thinking about it now.
I am going to give my mom til October to decide to go to this conference with me and educate herself instead of giving into the religious rhetoric. If she doesn't, I am going to have to make some extremely tough decisions, which I believe I am prepared to do.
Well...for just checking in, that was a bit of a tangent!!! Have a great Sunday!

Gay Marriage v. Civil Unions...and the "duh" factor

I was just watching the Democratic Presidential Debate, which was very informative, and I found myself a little sad and frustrated. First of all, anyone who knows me will tell you that 1.) I am very Liberal and proud of that word; 2.) An avid supporter of a progressive mindset; 3.) A proud supporter of future President Hillary Rodham Clinton...which will be a topic of a later blog entry, I'm sure. But I digress...The one thing that frustrates me with the majority of the Democratic Candidates is their open support for Civil Unions with equal rights as heterosexual, "traditional" marriage and NOT across the board marriage for gays and straights. As we all know, the United States Relgious Machine has very cleverly and successfully convinced the average American that Gay marriage with somehow corrupt the 'sanctity' of marriage. I'm not even going to waste your time or my finger strength typing how ridiculous this school of thought is given the divorce rates and other statistics. However, I will say that I don't believe that we will see Congress or ANY President make Gay Marriage legal. Why? Because of ignorance of Americans. As harsh as it sounds, the vast majority of Americans who vote(aka...older Americans) have had the Big Religion lip service corrupt their commonsense. In our society, where we have always taken what our 'religious superiors' say at face value, the average American doesn't know how to critically question the status quo...especially when it doesn't necessairly affect them...such as Gay marriage to a straight couple.
The Democratic Party seems to have fallen victim to the apathetic approach to equality in the law. By accepting the mindset that giving the LGBT community something that isn't quite marriage...but 'equal' in the letter of the law is insulting to me as a Gay man.
As a politically charged person who loves American history, I think the answer to the Gay Marriage debate is extremely simple...and it also explains why I believe that Congress will never legalize gay marriage. The reason is because my belief that History repeats itself. Pretty simple, huh?
One of my favorite Supreme Court cases and decisions is Brown v. the Topeka Board of Education. The case took on the notion put forth by Plessy v. Ferguson that, in education, separate but equal was legitimate. This basically legalized segregation in public schools and institutions. Brown v. the Topeka Board of Education with the help of the Progressive Warren Court said in essence that separate can never be equal in public education or government institutions.
This historic decision is the basis of the 'duh' factor I mention in my title. Dems and many gays are settling for Civil Unions with 'equal' protections under the law as married straight couples. I call bullshit. Marriage is NOT a religious institution anymore. Why???
1. Tax breaks for married couples
2. Marriage is only legal with a signed license issued by a State
3. Atheists can be married legally...and God is obviously not a factor in that
These are only a few reasons why marriage is a public institution and not a religious one. So, let's level. The U.S. Supreme Court has already said that Separate can never be Equal in a public/government institution...which marriage really is. So how can giving the LGBT community something SEPARATE from Marriage be EQUAL to marriage...DUH...It CAN'T!
I do not think that Congress or any President will, in the near future, allow Gay Marriage to go through. It is going to take those dreaded "Liberal Activist" judges to make progressive changes and provide the Checks and Balances that the Framers of the Constitution set in place to protect ALL Americans. The same kind of "Liberal Activist" judges that said that blacks and whites can go to school together, swim together, and drink out of the same water fountain. Personally, I am thankful that our country has had these "extremists" on the bench, regardless of what Big Religion might try to get us to think about their Liberal agenda.

WOW...that was a rant and a half!!!

The Wonderfully Convoluted and Naive Views of a one, Mr. Alan Chambers...

I was just reading Ex-Gay Watch, and saw Alan Chambers reply to a posted reply of Peterson Toscano. Peterson was describing parts of the Refuge program...very accurately, and Mr. Chambers took it upon himself to set the record straight...no pun intended...I SWEAR!

Peterson,

I am sure that LIA uses licensed and trained therapists within the program. In fact, since their move (or not long after) to Memphis they have retained the services of a licensed therapist.

Additionally, I know that they now provide after care, which is a great thing and one of the issues that you felt strongly about.

Well, I felt it was important that someone set Mr. Chambers straight...please read as much into that as you wish! This is what I wrote.

Jacob, on July 15th, 2007 at 11:23 pm Said:
I find that the more I read from Mr. Chambers, the more concerned I become. Having recently attended Love In Action, I am amazed with how much the program has ’changed.’ For example, aftercare. Such a wonderful idea…in theory; however, ’aftercare’ was supposidly an option after I left in August 2005. What does LIA do when a former client ’slips up’ after leaving the ex-gay bubble…you know…the real, unsheltered world where you aren’t going to the bathroom in groups of 3 or more…and you don’t have restrictions on what stores you can go in, who you can talk to, and have the opportunity to think for yourself??? Well, in my experience…a ’slip up’ after exiting the program results in your aftercare being terminated, for the most part. My counselor no longer talked to me, I was not allowed to contact any of my friends who were still in the program(because if they were to have communication with a gay person who was no longer being assimilated by the Ex-gay Borg, the gay rays might over power the ex-gay ones!) If that doesn’t make a person feel untouchable and damaged, I don’t know what does. I was allowed to go to an evening group led by other struggling ex-gays who meeting after meeting shared either how they ’slipped up’ or how they were struggling to NOT slip up…also, these group leaders were NOT licensed counselors…which is my next point.
Mr. Chambers, you say that Love in Action uses Licensed counselors. Well, partially you are correct. My counselor was licensed. However, daily we had group sessions led by various leaders, including John Smid, office workers, and former/current clients…non of which, to my knowledge, are licensed counselors. These theraputic groups are designed to help us focus on ourselves, begin healing, and be at our most vulnerable…something that, in hindsight, I believe that only a trained professional should be leading. *As a disclaimer, John Smid was…well..the Rev. John Smid at the time of my stay. No, not because he went through Bible College…or Seminary…but rather, because the lovely leadership at GBC, Love in Action’s host church and a major financial supporter, decided that his leading of such a noble cause earned him the title! Makes sense right?!?*
Even if a person has a license to counsel…that does not mean he or she should be able to practice. In the multiple sessions I had with my counselor, he never once took notes…which I always found odd. He also sometimes made me wait days before I could talk to him…because he was busy…despite the fact that in my 19 years of existance, I had never dealt with anything as emotionally draining and trying as Love in Action.

Also, Alan, I find myself very curious as to how many times you have visited LIA in the last six months…or a cumulative amount of hours you have spent observing the ’many changes’ that you speak of. I mean, you sound like an expert about all that is LIA. Do you just rely on the Rev. John Smid’s word, or have you seen the progress you speak of first hand?
Well, this message has turned out to a bit longer than anticipated…I guess I found my next blog topic as well!

My frustration is in the fact that Alan Chambers is sharing half truths. I do not necessairly believe it is because he wishes to mislead us, but rather because he is ignorant. I use the term ignorant in a loving way. He is ignorant to what goes on in Love In Action from a client/ex-client's perspective as well as the everyday practices because he is NOT there everyday. Which is understandable...it's hard work running a massive "Religious Machine" that is determined to reach its goals..at most any cost. I bet he naps frequently!

dixie chicks not ready to make nice

Here's the video...I just figured out how to add it, as I am a "born again blog virgin!" Enjoy

Not ready to make nice

Being from Rural Missouri, I have roots, that I often try to hide, in country music. And as a liberal, I have found the Dixie Chicks to be one of my favorite country groups. Their music is not only beautifully done, but there is a strong relevance in the stories they share. In listening to their song, "Not ready to make nice," I find myself relating to so much of it. It is such a powerful message that is applicable to not only me, as an Ex-Gay Survivor, but so many others. I have decided that staying quiet is not an option. Where as I don't hold anger toward Love in Action and my church for essentially disowning me, I have not forgotten. I don't think I will ever. Why? Not because of bitterness, but because a growth in my heart and soul that has occurred. Below are the lyrics and I encourage you to read them, think about them and how they apply to your own life experiences.

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything

But I’m still waiting

Words & Music by Emily Robison, Martie Maguire, Natalie Maines, Dan Wilson
C 2005 Woolly Puddin’ Music (BMI) - Chrysalis Music/Sugar Lake Music (ASCAP)

A long, long time ago on a blog not so far away...

That was when I made my last post. I am not the greatest at following through with this; however, with the positive changes and decisions I have recently made, I know I am going to need as much support as I can get, as well as perspective from others who have 'been there.' I recently attended the Ex-Gay Survivors Conference in Irvine, California. The best word to describe my experience there is 'Phenomenal.' I met so many wonderful people, and the environment was so affirming and full of love.
In the past year, I have grown greatly. My goal for renewing this blog is simple...I want people who are considering ex-gay 'ministries', reparative therapy to know that there are other options. For example...realizing that being happy and healthy is more important than pleasing those around you; finding affirming friends who accept you for who you are; educating yourself before making a decision that will cost you potentially thousands of dollars and so much heartache.
I want to keep this post small, as an 'I'm back...and more fabulous than ever.' message to all of those who have been so supportive in my old blogging days and to the new people reading it.
One large difference you will notice is that I am no longer "J"...as creative and stealth as that was...I've grown to realize that worrying about what others think is a great waste of energy...energy that I could be using to help others and become a stronger person. Feel free to ask me anything and be yourself on my blog. Thanks for reading, and I will do my best to become a stronger, more consistent blogger.

I work with this guy who is..."overtly straight" to the point of being hella annoying. For example, working in the convenience store industry, we have the opportunity to see many lovely co-eds(being in a college town and all.) Anytime a female enters that has been blessed by God in the bossom, he starts salavating and points it out to me. *Quick Side-Note: I am not out to many, and I do my best to keep my work and personal life separate* I do my best to entertain his hormonal surge at that moment with comments like, "Uh huh," "Yep," and my favorite, "Hmmm...Interesting." This lack of interest is kind of my cry for him to leave me out of the loop on the "Who's Who Among Springfield Boobs."
The other day, while taking out the old magazines and stocking the new, a lady I work with was tearing the cover off a Hooter's magazine when a scantily clad centerfold fell out. She asked me if I wanted it, and without hesitation I said, "No, 'Daniel' would like that kind of thing though." *His real name is not 'Daniel'...just been reading enough Dear Abby to know you change the names! Immediately realizing that I would have outed myself to anyone with half a brain, I was horrified. Luckily, working in the convenience store industry, half a brain is not a requisite for employment. When 'Daniel' got the picture he was elated.
Later he asked me if I wanted one. Once again, without even thinking, I quickly said, "No." Then my co-work asked why, was I gay or something. I still don't know what the "or something" option was, but really wish I could have gone with that. After several seconds of dead silence, we were interrupted by a customer, thank God! Usually I am quick with responsed to hide my sexual orientation, but it's like the part of me that generally worried about what others thought had been shut off. My later response to him was, "It just doesn't do anything for me, but thanks." I did successfully evade the question at hand; however, he did appologize a few minutes later if he "Offended me."
Until this point I had not been offended. Stunned, yes...but offended, not so much. I took it as him appologizing for the insult of insinuating I was gay. Do we really live in a society where it is more important to appologize for thinking someone is gay, like it is the ultimate put-down, than it is to appologize for invading someone's personal life, especially when they try extremely hard to check their personal life at the door.
I decided to not let it get to me...but it did. It's amazing how in our culture it is not only ok, but expected that straight guys flaunt their sexuality everywhere, even the workplace, and the gay population is expected to "know their role." What role is this? It's the role of second class citizen who MUST watch making comments that could put non-gay in an uncomfortable situation. Can you imagine me taking a copy of Muscles of the shelf and asking my co-worker if he'd "ever seen a pair of pecks that hot!" Or even better, when one of my attractive male customers enters, ask 'Daniel' if he's a "top or a bottom" while biting my bottom lip in anticipation. Granted I don't have the guts to do either of those things, and also respect him enough not to. Oh well, just another thing the straight culture has to learn!

Anyone who has ever been in Love in Action, and I'm sure any other ex-gay ministries knows about re-introductions. A re-intro is where you share EVERY past sexual "sin" that you have ever committed to a loved one, friend, or anyone you wanted to have contact with while in Love in Action(yes, unless you tell your parents everything you've ever done sexually, or at least to the point that your counselor is content with, you cannot speak with them for the duration of your stay at LIA.) I didn't agree with it, believing firmly that confessing my sins to God was sufficient enough, not to mention a group of my peers, counselors. The logic behind the whole thing is that whom ever I tell is going to be my accountability, and my accountability needs to be fully aware of "what I'm capable of." So, being the obedient person I am, I told not only my parents, but 2 of my pastors, my brother, and my best friend. None of these people had any idea what to expect of my seemingly harmless "re-intro." Little did they know, everything they never wanted to hear was about to be exposed. I had to talk to these people I loved and that cared for me. I felt so alone and filthy at times, it was important to know that people loved me. Ergo, I got over the hesitation of telling them everything, so I could just hear their affirming voices. This, to me, is another example of exploiting the vulnerable. I believe this was partially(not the sole purpose, I don't think) to humilliate us in hopes that it would stop us from behaving "badly." Now, everytime my parents and I get in an argument over me making decisions for myself or I try to tell my best-friend about a choice I am making, they use what I told them in my re-intro against me. I admit I have done some horrible stuff...things that make me cringe, and at times I don't believe that they factor in that people grow and change. The things in my past do not make up who I am today. I have learned from many of these mistakes, and if anything, I believe I will be a better, stronger person in the future having had these experiences.

Depression sucks. I have suffered from depression for about 5 years now. I also have diagnosed Tourette Syndrome, OCD, and while at Love in Action, was diagnosed as Bi-Polar(Not by LIA Staff, but by Psychiatric professionals!) I stopped taking my meds about two months ago, as a protest against my mother really. Everytime I disagree with her or have any problem in my life it's the same thing: "Are you taking your meds?!? You must not be, otherwise you wouldn't be like this!" So, as childish as it is, I stopped taking them. Plus the side effects were getting me down.
My life, being as crazy as it is right now, didn't need the added pressure of depression, so I decided to make an appointment. It was sooo difficult to do because I literally have no ability to follow thru with even small tasks, an effect of my depression. While in the doctor's office, I had an overwhelming sense of fear and disgust of myself. There was a few ladies in there and they were really in need of some major psychiatric services(Not to judge, I mean they were in the shrink's office!) I couldn't help but wonder...am I one of those crazy people? Maybe I just hide it better. I feel really crazy right now. I cry over the smallest things, I have no zeal for anything, and I have been having a lot of obsessive thoughts...even more than normal.
While the doctor(actually she was an RN something or other...good enough to write scripts, basically) was asking me crazy, I got frustrated. She was asking me the fluff questions: are you suicidal, are you hearing voices, etc. Not once did she ask me what's going on with me, what the root of my depression is, etc. She asked me if I was suicidal. I hesitated because I didn't know how to answer that question honestly. I am NOT suicidal, BUT I have thought lately(a lot) that things would be easier if I wasn't around. I told her this, and she didn't even suggest counseling. By the end of our session while she was walking out of the room, I asked her about it because I know I need something, not just meds. She said "Oh, that's a good idea. I meant to suggest that." I ended up suggestion my own place to find counseling and she said it sounded good. She didn't give me a name, number, or anything. For someone like me who is struggling with feelings of hopelessness and having difficulties following thru with simple tasks, it really sucks to have someone you pay to help not show genuine(or any other form) concern and notice I'm crying out for help.
I ended up calling my mother, whom I haven't talked to civily in weeks. She worked for the Missouri Department of Mental Health for 14 years or so. I was desperate for help. She also suffers from depression and can empathize. She pointed me to a few different places, and I am still trying to get into a real psychiatrist and find a counselor whom I can talk to about this stuff in my life. I know that I can't give up right now. As corny and cliche as this may sound, I am in the fight of my life. I am not a quitter, and I hate to lose. Quitting is not an option, and regardless or who is for or against me right now, I have to be for me. I have learned that at times I am going to be the only one on my side, cheering me on.
This post has turned out to be long, but it feels a lot better to put my thoughts and feelings into words.

It's amazing to me how much misinformation was presented at Love In Action. So many things that were taught concerning the psychological aspects of being gay I have found are wrong. I am taking a Psych class and doing a lot of studying. John Smid is just plain wrong, and I am concerned about the people currently going thru the teachings. What can we do to let people know the truth? As taught by Love in Action, "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free."
Has anyone ever tried to sue Love in Action? Someone suggested that to me recently. I am not a big fan of the whole "sue crazy" nation we live in; however, having gone through a program that claims to be a religious organization/church, and denies providing psychological services(correct me if I have that wrong.) I think it's fair to say that I was damaged going into LIA, and came out even more so. I was the prey of a predatorial group, seeking weak, wounded individuals who are deeply in need of having a void filled. EVERY person in LIA that I can remember had just recently hit their rock bottom before deciding to attend the program. God, I feel like a fool. So naive and childish. What can I do though. It's in the past, and I have my future ahead of me. Would suing LIA put an end to this, or at least bring about awareness? I wish I knew that they didn't promise "curing" of homosexuality before I went and thrusted myself into debt. The admissions people didn't mention that once. They just made it sound as if God would take away all my problems thru them, and them alone. Does anyone have any ideas, suggestions, or comments?

Hey all. I'm sorry I've been slacking on my posts. Ok...slacking is an understatement. With work, school, family, dating, etc. my life has been crazy. I am currently trying to get back to some normalcy...whatever that may be.
I have not talked to my mother in almost 3 weeks. I came out to her for the 4th time, and she didn't take it well. She told me that I only think of myself. I reminded her that a major reason I went to Memphis and attended Love in Action was my wanting to please her. She, in turn, cut me off. For example, I put my high tuition for Love In Action on credit, with my parents promise to pay for it when they sold their home. They were making payments for me; however, after telling them that I was going to live my life for me and pursue happiness and be myself, they stopped making the payments and told me they will not pay for something that didn't work. So...here I am, in college and working full time with a mountain of debt. I have been overwhelmed with this, but honestly, there is nothing I can do. I've been thinking about selling my story to someone and trying to get a Lifetime movie made or a book written. Anyone have any suggestions?
I am also dating again. I'm not really worried about finding a relationship anymore. I think it's because I still feel the burn of my last. I'm just having fun, building friendships first. I actually have a date this evening. It's strange, after going thru a program like Love in Action where the homosexual lifestyle is villified so much, to be slowly stepping back into it.
I talked to my dad last night on the phone. He is being very loving, not supportive; however, I am not expecting him or my mother to accept me being gay. He told me he was operating under the "Don't ask, Don't tell" policy. I did tell him I'm seeing a guy last night(slight embellishment, but needed to see where the line is for our talks...needless to say, I found it!)
I will try to do better at this whole posting thing!