Attention all blog readers: This post is going to be slightly out of the norm of what my blog description might lead you to expect. But today is a day of great saddness and yet quiet triumph for the United States of America. With great anticipation and expectation we watched the Olympic opening ceremony in Torino, Italy with our eyes and hearts fixed on the team in red, white, and blue. Today, however, a nations heart was broken. Michelle Kwan, America's sweetheart in figure skating, regretably had to withdraw from the 2006 Winter Olympics due to a horrid groin injury. I can't say that I am surprised with all of the trouble that Michelle's groin has given her as of late; however, I can say that my heart is with her. In exiting one of the greatest sporting events in a world's history, Michelle takes not only her skates back to the U.S., but a nations full respect, gratitude, and adoration with her. Michelle, if you read this, please know that you will always be our American Idol on Ice. With grace and elogance that few on earth possess, and a cache of stolen hearts in your possession, good luck Michelle, and I can't wait to see what the future holds for you.

Now the hardest part. Shifting my full-on support from Michelle Kwan to another American Skater. I enjoy Sasha Cohen and have the utmost respect for her; however, my eyes are fixed on Emily Hughes, 2002 Olympic Champion Sarah Hughes' younger sister. I don't know if she has what it takes to steal the Gold; however, she will have all eyes on her while she tries to fill her sister's incredibly large "Golden Skates." Good luck Emily and Sasha, and may God Bless Michelle Kwan.

Break out the black! Today would mark my two year anniversary with the preacher; however, that option left when he decided to break up with me for a woman 8 months ago. Am I bitter...kind of, I can't lie. But in the last few weeks, I have felt a huge liberation. I sent him an email telling him that I no longer agreed with the teachings of Love In Action and that I had fought the assimilation being forced on me. I told him that as much as I would have loved to NOT have same-sex attractions, I still did. I asked him point blank if he still had attractions, how he was doing, etc.
The response I got back was the final straw. He said he was sorry that I was struggling, he would pray for me, and that Nathan Bell told him, "If we ask God to take away our homosexual feelings, we are asking him to take away our freedom to choose." I thought about this for a long time. Honestly, it sounds like bull to me, especially if God wants us to be "straight" and same-sex attraction free. I don't have the answers. I just like to think critically.
So today, marking a dark day in my past, I have set up many things so that I do NOT contact my ex. That is probably the most unhealthy thing I could do at this point. I am doing my best to have a complete split, which is the hardest thing in the world to do. Any suggestions?

I live in Missouri. Actually, I live in Springfield, MO, the religious Mecca of Missouri. Thank the Lord for the Universities here, otherwise, I would be in ex-ex-gay Hell. I moved here for college and the cost of living is cheap. Many people I have talked to do not understand why I stay with Christianity when so many Christians don't agree with the "lifestyle" if you believe, unlike myself, believe homosexuality is a lifestyle.
I actually came out to my mother last night for the 4th time I think...the 1st time since going through Love In Action. It was rough. She didn't yell or scream, although it was over the phone. She got off the phone to cry I think. I called her again today, and the conversation was not as great. She compared my struggles to that of a pedophile! Says that I'm "Not special...pedophiles are sex addicts, too." I was baffled. Didn't know what to say...is there a way to respond to that? I have cut my parents off. I don't think it is healthy to keep in contact with them right now. I told them specifically that I am NOT looking for them to accept me being gay. I am asking them to not judge me or preach at me. I guess it would be too much to ask them to accept it. They've known for over 4 years though, and they haven't really budged. That's probably because I kept budging and taking being gay back.

What do you do when someone you are sharing a very intimate moment with slips up and says someone else's name? Well, I had no idea what to do. He didn't realize it at first, until I used my name a few minutes later in the third person. I realized at that point that hookups are not good. You have to know someone before you can be truly intimate with them. I felt like a fool and a little bit slutty. But I have to step out of my shoes and step into his...he must have felt 10 times more stupid than me! We finished our 'intimate' get-to-gather, and parted. He was never heard from again. I almost feel like I get close to someone only long enough for them to make an exit plan.

I just started a new job, and the first day was very interesting. I found out that my manager, who happens to be a pastor of some small Apostolic church, also "Hates Fags." Well, we are all familiar with Fred Phelps and "God hates fags." When I came out to my parents the first time at the age of 16, my father conveniently left pieces of paper around and the website(godhatesfags.com or something) as the homepage on my computer. Should someone who is so obviously prejudiced be hiring people? Shouldn't a company have guidelines as to whom can be in charge of major things like that? It is not right that I am afraid of my manager finding out about my orientation in order to protect my job. My manager doesn't know about me, and it will stay that way because I believe that my personal life and work life are to be autonomous.
Next, why are people so ignorant. I know that is an age old question and all, but really...give me a break. To be so ignorant and full of hate to say something like "God Hates...." anything shows that we are not dealing with a full deck of cards. God is synonymous with love, right? John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the WORLD..." not that he loved the religious leaders. Jesus made it clear he didn't like religion. He disliked the religious crowd, and prefered hanging out with the hookers, drunks, and other sinners.
With all of this evidence and knowledge at arms reach, we still have churches who preach love the sinner, hate the sin YET they condemn everyone who doesn't conform to religious norms. I soooo wish Jesus was walking the earth today. Jesus did NOT conform to religious norms by any means! The church of today would have been looking for a much more religious savior, and probably would have shunned Christ.
I am scared of God. I went through with Love in Action because of many reasons, but mainly because I "Knew" that homosexuality was the ultimate sin that was ultimately punished by eternity in hell. I don't believe that anymore. I don't know why I am attracted to guys, but what I do know is that God is a God of love and forgiveness, NOT a cynical God who tries to have people fall through loop-holes. I don't know if you're born gay, if it is psychological or what...but I do know that I did NOT choose it. Who would choose something that so many people see as the ultimate perversion? Why do so many Christians see me as a pervert and a sinner when I am pursuing my attractions just the same way they are pursuing theirs?

Growing up I was raised in a pretty conservative family home with dysfunction running wild. I went to church at a Baptist church, that was anything but open minded. I became a Christian at the age of 8 and after that began going through all the motions a good little baptist boy should. This is the time when I started noticing my attractions to men, give or take a little time. I was so young that I never thought anything of it.
Back to my family...my dad was an alcoholic and my mother is just plain neurotic. I came out to my parents at the age of 16 after they found out about a relationship of mine. To say the least they didn't take it well. I was called an F-ing Faggot, pervert, and told I was going to hell. I was threatened to be kicked out of the house at 16 and disowned. Needless to say the fear got to me, and I took back the coming out. I didn't know that you could take that back, but actually you can! Who would have thunk.
From the time I was 17 until February of my senior year I "laid low" with my attractions, just doing random hook-ups to meet my "needs." Being from a small town I had to lay low. On February 9, 2004, I met someone who would turn my life upside down. He was an Assemblies of God preacher. I thought he was trying to "save my soul" after seeing that I went to Iowa for the Howard Dean campaign. Turns out he was not trying to save my soul, but rather, he was trying to hit on me, and he was very successful in doing so.
We met at a local restaurant in my hometown and drove for 30 minutes before the "Purple Elephant" in the car was identified. I asked him if he was gay and he said yes. We turned around and went home to his place, watched a movie, and ended up having sex our first date. Turns out this pastor of a small country church was hiding some rather big skeletons in his closet, or should I say his baptisimal!
We started being very close after that and officially started dating about a month later. He told me in that month period that he only wanted to be "friends with benefits" because (paraphrased) being in a relationship would mean he is gay. He was 23 and in the heart of the Bible Belt, was very conflicted. I could totally relate.
That summer I took my first vacation. The preacher and I went together. On our way to Florida, we stopped at a small church where he preached and made some money for our vacation. Our relationship had grown to be very enmeshed and full of fun and excitement. We were attached at the hip. We were doing just great, and then I experienced for the first time, another gay guy paying extra special attention to me.
A local law enforcement officer in town came to my work and told me he knew about me. I instinctively denied it to protect myself...he DID have a gun! Later I gave him my number, which initiated a brief affair(don't know if I can use that term, but I will anyway!)I told my boyfriend, the still-preacher at that time, what I had done. He forgave me and we tried to mend the our relationship the best possible, but it seemed to only go downhill from there.
In August I went to college which brought its own difficulties to our relationship. For the first time in 6 months we were apart for more than 3 days. We ended the relationship for a little while and I started dating a Junior. He was very model like and I had NO idea why he was with an average Joe like me. He was an interesting character. I am a very masculine acting guy, and he was a theatre major...draw your own conclusions. He was a party-going, wild-child while I was and am to an extent very conservative and quiet. He also didn't work and was from a very middle class family. He always seemed to have a lot of cash though(although he never offered to buy!) After that relationship ended for irreconsilable differences, I was chatting with a guy who said he knew my ex from college. He actually had just paid him a couple weeks back for "escort services." Yes. I was dating an escort...aka...a male whore. I also contracted scabies from him, which was a major ordeal.
A month or so after this I started dating the preacher again. We had no problem picking up where we left off, or so I thought. He had went to the pastors of my church and told them he "struggled with homosexuality." They sent him to a weekly Exocud ministry meeting and a class called Living Waters. He would try to apply the ex-gay material to our relationship, and I did NOT like that. He was trying to diagnose our relationship as emotionally dependent. In hind-sight, he was VERY right, but I got VERY offended.
At the end of May 2005 we went on another vacation to Kentucky. There we mended some of the problems we were having. There he asked me to "marry him"
Ok, I was very shocked. I brought up the obvious that we couldn't get married and tried to play my shock off with that. But he was serious...or so I thought. We got back from Kentucky, and 2 days later the unthinkable happened. The boyfriend of 16 months(minus off time) broke up with me because he couldn't be a homosexual anymore(geez...didn't realize it was that easy.) I was horrified, wondering what I could do to resolve this. Being a "fixer" I knew there was SOMETHING I could do to change his mind. There wasn't. He was resolved.
A week later, my Pastor called me into his office. I went curiously, not knowing why he wanted to see me. The unthinkable happened, yet again. The youth had found a text message I sent my boyfriend. (For clarification: I didn't go to my boyfriend's church, I had a different pastor, my boyfriends OLD senior pastor also his mentor) So, natuarally I lied to my pastor, left quickly, and tried to fix. I called my ex-boyfriend and we decided to come clean. I thought I could still get him back at this point, so this mess gave me a reason to contact him and talk. That night we met at Pizza Hut and told my Pastor everything. After that we were forbidden to talk, but we did anyway. My boyfriend then told me about a program he was refered to called Love In Action. My life was nearing a huge crossroads.
July 16, 2005 I got in my car and drove to Memphis, TN. I arrived at the Love In Action house. I was horrified! The people were very nice; however, I hear they are nice in cults, too, but I digress. That day I entered safe keeping, which meant I couldn't talk socially for 3 days. We also went over the rules of everything you could not do. For example, it was forbidden to give each other hugs, talk on the phone, and definitely no masterbation. You name it and there was a rule for it. I went originally thinking to myself, "he'll take me back if I just do what he wants." However, I couldn't see the illogical thought process that was occuring.
After 2 months at Love In Action, I had seen and heard it all from people who've had sex with animals to pedophiles wanting to change their ways. I decided that after 2 months the program had nothing more to offer me, so I left. A week later, I hooked up with a guy who had been kicked out of the program for not complying with the program norms. After hanging out for a few hours the "unthinkable" happened...Two ex-gays who enjoyed each others company had sex with one another. I felt so guilty. I had just spent $7,000 to get "fixed" and learn tools to assure I wouldn't be with men again, and it didn't happen! Was I broken? Did I just totally have no control on my attractions? I still don't know the answers to those questions, but I think I am getting closer...or maybe just becoming more cynical.
At this point, you know where I have been over the last several months. The remainder of this blog is going to be dedicated to different stories of things that happen in my crazy life, with some being detailed and quasi-graphic, but only truth. I will take time to express how I feel on certain subjects as they come up.