Monday, September 17, 2007

Roadmap of the Heart

When do you follow your heart?
When it is convenient?
When it goes along with the plans and expectations that family, friends, or even you have put on yourself?

Or is it just New Age Jargon? I mean…obviously the heart it just an organ made up muscle and tissue that circulates blood throughout the body. Why do we, as a society, as a world even, put so much emphasis on this figurative and almost mythical “entity.”

As skeptical and jaded as that may sound, I don’t subscribe to that belief. Believe me, I wish at times I did; however, I see the heart as a much bigger thing than just an organ. To me it represents my soul, my passion, my dreams and aspirations.

Right now, I am at a bit of a crossroads in my life. I see a few paths that I could take, and I see the path that I am currently on, steadfastly. The path I am on now provides me with security. I have family close, a good job that pays well, and for the most part I am self sufficient. And I am content…which is where I find myself a bit alarmed. I know I am happy about many things in my life, and I see that I am very fortunate; however, this current path I am on is not the one that I believe, in my heart, that I should be on. For example, I am currently making more money in my current job that I probably would my first few years out of college with my Political Science degree…as, my passion is to help people and work for change. Most of the jobs I am interested in are not the greatest paying jobs in the world…but they offer so much more than money can offer. To me, that is a feeling of not only knowing your purpose, but achieving it as well.

I want to go back to school. Honestly, I am scared too. My first year of school, I did well. Excellent grades, happy, etc. However, I have made a couple less than successful attempts to getting back in the swing of the academic world after LIA. I hate to blame it on anything other than myself, but I know that my depression has stopped me from achieving many goals and being successful in the academic world, thus far. There have been weeks that I can barely make it to class because of illness. Times where I cannot get out of bed. And my grades reflected it, as well as my withdraw from school.

I know that I have to do something with my life, as I am not happy with the status quo. It is not rewarding to me, and I am not following my heart. Enters the question: What the hell do I do?

Part of me wants to start fresh; however, I think that it may look like running away. I have also learned that happiness is created, it is not just a given when you move somewhere new. Another part of me is so scared to make a huge mistake, bite off more than I can chew, or even worse, fail. I know that failure is not the worst thing in the world. It is an opportunity to learn from the choices that led to the lack of success, and make changes; however, it still scares me to death.

Another huge issue for me right now is that I just got a promotion at work. Honestly, a promotion that I did not want. I feel as if I was very pressured into taking it. I am so worried about stepping down from a manager position to an Assistant Manager or even lower for a few reasons: 1.) The pay cut would be large; 2.) I would let down those who entrusted me with such a large responsibility (really…they are letting a 21 year old manage a multi-million dollar store!) 3.) I see that as letting everyone else see that I couldn’t cut it. I believe these are legitimate fears; however, I also know that I shouldn’t let what others think dominate my life.

So, right now, I have decided I have to listen to my heart….yes that mass of muscle that pumps blood to all regions of my body. I guess that the heart is what keeps us living and going…one day at a time. So why is it ridiculous to want to follow your ‘heart,’ that is made of your soul, passion, and essence your life…you know, the life that the organ heart sustains day after day. I guess it isn’t ridiculous to follow your heart…now we just need to find a Roadmap of the Heart.

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