Sunday, September 16, 2007

Sending out an S.O.S!!!

I know many of you who read my blog, thus I know that many of you can relate to the feeling of being alone, rejected, damaged, or even "fucked up." To all readers with virgin ears, I appologize for the use of the F-Bomb; however, in a very recent conversation with my mother(oh, five minutes ago) that was a term she used for me and my life. I am a pretty strong person; however, my family knows exactly what buttons to push to send me spiraling down into a very dark place, regarless that I know the truth about myself to be otherwise.
The conversation began with a conversation I had with both my mother and father today, at different times, about feeling like I am in a rut. I feel as if, like my last post stated, I am not living up to my full potential and not doing what I want to with my life. I have had intentions since leaving Love In Action to get back in school full time and continue pursuing my education in the field where my passion lies. Thinking my parents would be happy that I am looking to better myself and follow my heart, they instead chastised me. It started, like clockwork, with the "I told you so..." speal. First about moving to St. Louis, then about buying my car, then about school, etc. From the conversations, I realized that life would have been SOOO much better off had I just listened to my parents...according to them, everything I did against their will is what has caused my life to be "fucked up" and for me to be in the sticky situation I am in.
Please keep in mind that I only called to gauge their opinion about possibly stepping down from my management position, cutting back in some areas(not as nice of a car, cable, etc.) in order to live more simply, so that I could get back in school and work toward doing what I love.
I should have known better...silly me! Talk about opening the flood gates. To sum up the last conversation with my mother, that resulted in her hanging up on me(although I sooo wanted to hang up on her first!) picture this: (This is a very abridged version of her side of the conversation) "I told you, you fucked up your opportunity, you won't ever listen to anyone, you need to be on your meds(which, for the most part I am, btw) you won't tell your doctor what's wrong with you(meaning the conditions SHE has diagnosed me with...along with the meds I need for it), and I don't know WHAT you are up to, but I know you are doing something that I do not approve of(insinuating something to do with the whole 'gay' thing)
My response may not have been the most mature; however, I maintained a civil tone and shared how she was making me feel(which she replied bad, why was I thinking that I COULD have feelings in a conversation that she had already turned around and made about her!) I said, replying to the whole "Something that I do NOT approve of" remark that maybe I should go watch a few SNL Church Lady clips to find out EXACTLY what it is that she didn't approve of again...since I must have misplaced my list(Cue phone being slammed on her end!)

I guess I just really needed to share. It takes a lot for my family to make me feel this crappy, but I am finishing this post in tears...feeling a bit defeated. I guess my S.O.S. is for those of us who just could use a hug. Consider this post my *hug* to all of you out there who may be feeling a bit (--Insert feeling word here--)You are loved.


Mike Airhart said...

I feel for ya, guy...

From your description of the discussion, it seems to me that your mother is at least somewhat reluctant to see you to succeed except on her terms. I could be projecting, but I regularly see PFOX parents saying some of the same things as your mom - tearing down their adult kids' every decision, and putting the worst possible spin on whatever their kids tell them about their lives.

To be fair to her, I'm not sure what diagnoses your mom is making, or whether they're sensible, or whether you've discussed them with your doctor.

Your course of action seems completely sensible to me -- getting on your feet, becoming mobile, then resuming school when you're ready and able to learn.

I suppose you/I/we could dissect each of your parents' points, one by one, to see whether there's any underlying merit, but I'm not sure that's what you want or need at this point.


Dave Rattigan said...

Well, I don't know you well enough to know whether you have fucked up or not, but what does it really matter? If you have fucked up, it's in the past, and if you had the power to fuck things up for yourself, you also have the power to make things right for yourself again. (For yourself, not for your mom or dad or whoever else.)

Though actually, I suspect you haven't really fucked up. Life is about trial and error, and you're young (or at least you look it from your pic). Going back to education sounds like it's a great idea if that's what you really want to do.