Sunday, February 12, 2006

Attention all blog readers: This post is going to be slightly out of the norm of what my blog description might lead you to expect. But today is a day of great saddness and yet quiet triumph for the United States of America. With great anticipation and expectation we watched the Olympic opening ceremony in Torino, Italy with our eyes and hearts fixed on the team in red, white, and blue. Today, however, a nations heart was broken. Michelle Kwan, America's sweetheart in figure skating, regretably had to withdraw from the 2006 Winter Olympics due to a horrid groin injury. I can't say that I am surprised with all of the trouble that Michelle's groin has given her as of late; however, I can say that my heart is with her. In exiting one of the greatest sporting events in a world's history, Michelle takes not only her skates back to the U.S., but a nations full respect, gratitude, and adoration with her. Michelle, if you read this, please know that you will always be our American Idol on Ice. With grace and elogance that few on earth possess, and a cache of stolen hearts in your possession, good luck Michelle, and I can't wait to see what the future holds for you.
Now the hardest part. Shifting my full-on support from Michelle Kwan to another American Skater. I enjoy Sasha Cohen and have the utmost respect for her; however, my eyes are fixed on Emily Hughes, 2002 Olympic Champion Sarah Hughes' younger sister. I don't know if she has what it takes to steal the Gold; however, she will have all eyes on her while she tries to fill her sister's incredibly large "Golden Skates." Good luck Emily and Sasha, and may God Bless Michelle Kwan.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Break out the black! Today would mark my two year anniversary with the preacher; however, that option left when he decided to break up with me for a woman 8 months ago. Am I bitter...kind of, I can't lie. But in the last few weeks, I have felt a huge liberation. I sent him an email telling him that I no longer agreed with the teachings of Love In Action and that I had fought the assimilation being forced on me. I told him that as much as I would have loved to NOT have same-sex attractions, I still did. I asked him point blank if he still had attractions, how he was doing, etc.
The response I got back was the final straw. He said he was sorry that I was struggling, he would pray for me, and that Nathan Bell told him, "If we ask God to take away our homosexual feelings, we are asking him to take away our freedom to choose." I thought about this for a long time. Honestly, it sounds like bull to me, especially if God wants us to be "straight" and same-sex attraction free. I don't have the answers. I just like to think critically.
So today, marking a dark day in my past, I have set up many things so that I do NOT contact my ex. That is probably the most unhealthy thing I could do at this point. I am doing my best to have a complete split, which is the hardest thing in the world to do. Any suggestions?

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

I live in Missouri. Actually, I live in Springfield, MO, the religious Mecca of Missouri. Thank the Lord for the Universities here, otherwise, I would be in ex-ex-gay Hell. I moved here for college and the cost of living is cheap. Many people I have talked to do not understand why I stay with Christianity when so many Christians don't agree with the "lifestyle" if you believe, unlike myself, believe homosexuality is a lifestyle.
I actually came out to my mother last night for the 4th time I think...the 1st time since going through Love In Action. It was rough. She didn't yell or scream, although it was over the phone. She got off the phone to cry I think. I called her again today, and the conversation was not as great. She compared my struggles to that of a pedophile! Says that I'm "Not special...pedophiles are sex addicts, too." I was baffled. Didn't know what to there a way to respond to that? I have cut my parents off. I don't think it is healthy to keep in contact with them right now. I told them specifically that I am NOT looking for them to accept me being gay. I am asking them to not judge me or preach at me. I guess it would be too much to ask them to accept it. They've known for over 4 years though, and they haven't really budged. That's probably because I kept budging and taking being gay back.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

What do you do when someone you are sharing a very intimate moment with slips up and says someone else's name? Well, I had no idea what to do. He didn't realize it at first, until I used my name a few minutes later in the third person. I realized at that point that hookups are not good. You have to know someone before you can be truly intimate with them. I felt like a fool and a little bit slutty. But I have to step out of my shoes and step into his...he must have felt 10 times more stupid than me! We finished our 'intimate' get-to-gather, and parted. He was never heard from again. I almost feel like I get close to someone only long enough for them to make an exit plan.
I just started a new job, and the first day was very interesting. I found out that my manager, who happens to be a pastor of some small Apostolic church, also "Hates Fags." Well, we are all familiar with Fred Phelps and "God hates fags." When I came out to my parents the first time at the age of 16, my father conveniently left pieces of paper around and the website( or something) as the homepage on my computer. Should someone who is so obviously prejudiced be hiring people? Shouldn't a company have guidelines as to whom can be in charge of major things like that? It is not right that I am afraid of my manager finding out about my orientation in order to protect my job. My manager doesn't know about me, and it will stay that way because I believe that my personal life and work life are to be autonomous.
Next, why are people so ignorant. I know that is an age old question and all, but really...give me a break. To be so ignorant and full of hate to say something like "God Hates...." anything shows that we are not dealing with a full deck of cards. God is synonymous with love, right? John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the WORLD..." not that he loved the religious leaders. Jesus made it clear he didn't like religion. He disliked the religious crowd, and prefered hanging out with the hookers, drunks, and other sinners.
With all of this evidence and knowledge at arms reach, we still have churches who preach love the sinner, hate the sin YET they condemn everyone who doesn't conform to religious norms. I soooo wish Jesus was walking the earth today. Jesus did NOT conform to religious norms by any means! The church of today would have been looking for a much more religious savior, and probably would have shunned Christ.
I am scared of God. I went through with Love in Action because of many reasons, but mainly because I "Knew" that homosexuality was the ultimate sin that was ultimately punished by eternity in hell. I don't believe that anymore. I don't know why I am attracted to guys, but what I do know is that God is a God of love and forgiveness, NOT a cynical God who tries to have people fall through loop-holes. I don't know if you're born gay, if it is psychological or what...but I do know that I did NOT choose it. Who would choose something that so many people see as the ultimate perversion? Why do so many Christians see me as a pervert and a sinner when I am pursuing my attractions just the same way they are pursuing theirs?