Thursday, February 09, 2006

Break out the black! Today would mark my two year anniversary with the preacher; however, that option left when he decided to break up with me for a woman 8 months ago. Am I bitter...kind of, I can't lie. But in the last few weeks, I have felt a huge liberation. I sent him an email telling him that I no longer agreed with the teachings of Love In Action and that I had fought the assimilation being forced on me. I told him that as much as I would have loved to NOT have same-sex attractions, I still did. I asked him point blank if he still had attractions, how he was doing, etc.
The response I got back was the final straw. He said he was sorry that I was struggling, he would pray for me, and that Nathan Bell told him, "If we ask God to take away our homosexual feelings, we are asking him to take away our freedom to choose." I thought about this for a long time. Honestly, it sounds like bull to me, especially if God wants us to be "straight" and same-sex attraction free. I don't have the answers. I just like to think critically.
So today, marking a dark day in my past, I have set up many things so that I do NOT contact my ex. That is probably the most unhealthy thing I could do at this point. I am doing my best to have a complete split, which is the hardest thing in the world to do. Any suggestions?


Teenage Bamm-Bamm said...

I agree whole-heartedly with crackerino: "Accept yourself first, treat yourself as sane and healthy and worthy of love first, and the real love and acceptance will come."

It sounds trite, but it's really true.

And I daresay you needn't give up on Christianity. You have your own journey of course, but I found that when I TRULY accepted myself for who and what I was, and stopped being so self-centeredly secretive about my thoughts and desires, I was suddenly open to so many more possibilities as to how I could use my gifts to help others, instead of selfishly using every ounce of my energy to "keep the secret". And so, here I am, employed at the National Cathedral of the USA and celebrating 13 years with my partner. It can be done. Peace!

Peterson Toscano said...

Hey J, these anniversaries can be a awful. Thinking of you as you chart your fresh new steps knowing that it takes courage, hope and FRIENDS. May you find all you need today and then some.


Peterson Toscano said...

Hey J, these anniversaries can be a awful. Thinking of you as you chart your fresh new steps knowing that it takes courage, hope and FRIENDS. May you find all you need today and then some.


Anonymous said...

Hi Jacob,

I have thought a lot about your struggle since discovering your blog report. I always felt that God had His hand on you...I told you that just before you left Love in Action. I still think He does. I and a lot of folks who don't know you have kept you in our prayers. You can figure out how to contact me if you ever need to talk with a Chrtistian who was in your shoes when I was your age. I can promise you that God has a way out of this struggle as with all issues which run contrary to His will. But as the scriptures say, it will cost you everything. For me, until I was willing to pay the price of completely turning my will over to the Lord, 'coming out of homosexuality' just wasn't working for me. When I totally gave up the fight and said "Lord, thy will be done, at ALL cost", He really began to work in my life. I was addicted to homosexual acting out for nearly 20 years. I have been celibate and abstinant for the last 14 years. It hasn't been easy...the Christian path is NOT easy. But I have a life in Christ that means more to me than my own life. Jim Elliot said he is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep for that which he cannot lose.

I am praying for you, Jacob. I care.

Tim Warner

Kevin said...

Hey, J, This is KR from LIA. Ha ha Secret code language or something. Anyway, I'm sure you remember me. You know, the guy that used to come to you for help and advice. The guy that listened while you told me how much I was valued in the eyes of Jesus, no matter what I struggled with or how confused I was. The guy that shared things with you I'd never told anyone, and the one who experienced the power of redemption with you. You were one of the first guys I met when I got there and I consider you a friend.

Here's the deal. About 4 months ago, I left LIA after having been there 6 months. And let me tell you, I've struggled like hell. I know (partially) what you're going through. I have raised my fist to God a few times and told him I was giving up. It's too hard. It's like trying to be something I'm not or can't be.

But I can't deny the amazing things God did in and through me during my time at LIA. I went in with the expectation that I'd be "all better" and that life would be "normal" for me after I left. But that's not what happened. Instead, God used everybody there to show me how amazing community is, how God can drag me out of a destructive lifestyle and unhealthy living, how he has more for me than the cheap imitation of life I'd been living. If I'm not 100% heterosexual, I'm also not drowning in despair every day, or living in shame and secrecy and self-hatred and isolation. Life has changed for me. It ain't easier, but it's better.

I'm not trying to tell you how to live or convince you of anything or whatever. What I want you to know is that you are an awesome man of God, you made a difference in my life, and you are not forgotten by your old roomies, nor by God. I think of you all the time and pray for you often.

Take care man. Drop me an email if you want.