Tuesday, February 07, 2006

I live in Missouri. Actually, I live in Springfield, MO, the religious Mecca of Missouri. Thank the Lord for the Universities here, otherwise, I would be in ex-ex-gay Hell. I moved here for college and the cost of living is cheap. Many people I have talked to do not understand why I stay with Christianity when so many Christians don't agree with the "lifestyle" if you believe, unlike myself, believe homosexuality is a lifestyle.
I actually came out to my mother last night for the 4th time I think...the 1st time since going through Love In Action. It was rough. She didn't yell or scream, although it was over the phone. She got off the phone to cry I think. I called her again today, and the conversation was not as great. She compared my struggles to that of a pedophile! Says that I'm "Not special...pedophiles are sex addicts, too." I was baffled. Didn't know what to say...is there a way to respond to that? I have cut my parents off. I don't think it is healthy to keep in contact with them right now. I told them specifically that I am NOT looking for them to accept me being gay. I am asking them to not judge me or preach at me. I guess it would be too much to ask them to accept it. They've known for over 4 years though, and they haven't really budged. That's probably because I kept budging and taking being gay back.


Christine said...

Hi J. I can relate to this...

I think the "re-coming out" part is hard. I have often felt guilt at putting people through this stuff twice (or more). On the other hand, it's been no picnic actually living in that back-and-forth place, either.

And stuff with parents is just always hard. I don't have a great response for the pedophile type comments either, except to point out that it's comparing apples to oranges--one is involving two consenting adults, the other is not. No matter what, its painful to have to answer something like that, especially from people you are close to. By the way, just in case you ever need stats or info regarding the idea that gays abuse kids (not that this is what was being said in this instance, but still...), there is a good resource at Box Turtle Bulletin that addresses this.

Anyway, you're in my thoughts as you navigate all of this.


CrackerLilo said...

Accept yourself first, treat yourself as sane and healthy and worthy of love first, and the real love and acceptance will come. Hopefully it will even come from your parents eventually. *hug*

Valorie Zimmerman said...

Yikes, that was so HARSH from your mom! I'm the straight mom of a gay son also, but I celebrate my son's gayness as a precious part of who he is. PFLAG is a resource you might point your parents to, if the time comes when their hearts open up a bit. http://www.pflag.org. I think crackerlilo might be on to something, though. Once you accept yourself more fully, and see your gayness as a gift from God, then maybe their feelings will change, too. It's obvious from what you write that you are a seeker, and that you have continued to search for what is right, no matter how many obstacles you have had to overcome. Find a welcoming congregation, and nourish your soul. You might enjoy PFLAG meetings too, and meet some great loving people there. Aren't blogs wonderful? I'm so happy that Peterson sent me the link to yours.

Dan said...

I was dumbstruck when I read what your mother had said to you. And to think, the woman was in the mental health field. Goes to show how helpful and knowledgable they really are.

It really sickens me that your mother sees homosexuality as being sexually-addicted and even going as far as to comparing it to pedophilia. I know that you love your mother, but that's sick. Maybe it isn't you who needs the help.

I was really lucky when I came out, I never faced an ounce of prejudice. I'm surprised by that, however, I've heard so many stories like yours and I just can't get over the fact that people aren't as accepting. People that truly matter to you. The sad thing is . . how much do you honestly matter to them if this is such a big deal?

There's nothing wrong with you for being gay. I'm not a religious man, so I don't blame, or give credit to God for sexual orientation. Nor is it a choice. If it were a choice, then you would be straight.

I don't like being gay, I don't like that society is so against it. And if I was given the choice, I would be with women, get married and carry on a family. Those things aren't in store for me. Whether there's a purpose for that or not, I'm not concerned. I am who I am. I accept that, and if someone can't, then who's fault is that? It's not yours, and it seems that you put a lot of blame on yourself. Don't, it's only hurting you.

As for LIA . . . you're a stronger person than I am to be able to go through something like that and come out alive. More power to you for that. It hurts to know that there are people in this world that would put people through such torture.

kevin said...

I agree with Christine--coming out is hard, and especially hard if your mom says things to you like she did. If you aren't financially dependent on them, it might be helpful to cut off contact for a bit. It will help your sanity. Once you get comfortable with who you are, meet up in a neutral place like a cafe with your mom and maybe things will start to get better. And believe me, things do get better. Be proud of who you are and what you have gone through.